So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender
says:
Gee that must be a bit annoying mate

The guy replies: Yeah, its driving me nutts!

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."

A man walked into a bar and ordered 6 shots of tequilla, the bartender, being rather reluctant said, Cmon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 6 shots of tequilla.

All the man said is, I just found out that my first son is gay.

Oh geez, replied the bartender,here ya go. and he gave him the 6 shots.

2 months later, same guy, same bar, same bartender, this time the man asks for 12 shots of tequilla. Once again the bartender says, Cmon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 12 shots of tequilla.

And the man replied by stating, I just found out my second son is gay.

Oh man, that is pretty bad! said the bartender feeling really sorry for the man, so he gave him his 12 shots of tequilla.

3 more months went by and the same situation again, this time the man asks for 24 shots of tequilla. The bartender says God damn man, doesnt anybody in your family eat pussy?

The man replied, Yeah, I just found out my daughter does.

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they discuss her rating, which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, Id give her a 7. Shes really quite pretty.

Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, Nah, Id only give her a 3.

A 3? How can you give her a 3?

says one of the three guys at the table.

Shes a real pretty girl.

The bartender, walking away, says, Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that hed only give her a 5.

A 5? How can you give her just a 5? Shes absolutely gorgeous! The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

The Budweiser method?

they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 511 goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three judges at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? Shes gorgeous! Well, says the bartender again, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

Budweiser! says one of the guys, exasperated.

What in the Hell is this Budweiser method for rating women?

Well, says the bartender, the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

OConnell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer hell show him a trick hell never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bars piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rats piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.

Are you nuts? the bartender asks. That frog could be worth a fortune to you.

Dont be so sure, the customer says. The rats a ventriloquist.

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guys too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guys feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guys wife answers and says Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Wheres his wheelchair?

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he sees a big jar full of 5s and a little card it reads:

Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST $5

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

2 minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

THE NEXT DAY:

The same guy walks in the bar again and sees the horse and the jar, this time it says:

You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. $10

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

4 minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like no body ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks How did you do that?

The guy says The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!

A very British one:

0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.

2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.

5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over – except for the bloody French.

6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a pint.

8. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, Thats much better. Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for 10 minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmens wives, who you offer to give baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on comer of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Cant get key in door. Realize youve given address of the local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?

The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.