Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that hes going to divorce his wife.

Good grief, says Jim, you and Sue are the happiest couple I know! Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?

Well, replies Fred, truth be known, Im just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess Im hankerin for a bit of variety.

Jim replied, Well, if you want variety, why dont you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?

Fred says, What? And have a house full of kids?

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

Well said the drunk, it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

Let me have it said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. Yes he finally said, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

From my nose the drunk replied.

A HAM AND CHEESE SAMWHICH WALKS IN A BAR A GOS UP TO THE BAR TENDER AND ASKS FOR A DRINK AND THE BAR TENDER SAYS SORRY WE DONT SEVIRE FOOD.

Another guy walks into a bar with a one foot man sitting on his shoulder.

He ordered a beer.

The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lept off his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap.

The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky.

As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts face and smashed the shot glass against the wall.

I have to know…. where did you get that guy?

Well… Ill tell you… I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed it, and a geenie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got…

A lady stumbles into a bar.

She says, Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it. He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because Ive got heartburn.

The bartender says, Look, lady…its not beertender, its bartender. Its not a martuni, its a martini. Its not a dribble, its a double. Thats not a pickle, its an onion. And you havent got heartburn,

You have your left tit in the Ashtray!

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?
Where is the bar tender?

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.



The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?



No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.



The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?



It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Oh really? Whats it telling you now? she inquires.

Well, it says youre not wearing any panties…



The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!



And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,

Damn thing must be an hour fast!

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.

The barkeep says 5 shots, yes the guy says Im celebrating my first blowjob.

The barkeep replies hell let me buy you 1.

No thanks the guy says if 5 dont get the taste out of my mouth, then the 6th wont matter.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him. Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie and says I wish for a thousand bucks. The genie said, Granted. The man walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back up to the man at the bar and says That genie must be deaf, I asked for a thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks. The man replied, What did you think I asked for, a twelve inch pianist?