An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"

The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work.

Whatll it be? asked the bartender.

A martinus, replied the Latin professor.

The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled.

Dont you mean martini?

If I wanted more than one, I would ask for more than one.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down. — and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I dont mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I dont mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. Its just that my wife said that I couldnt go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didnt say anything about my brothers."

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?

Fraid not, replied the string.

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldnt quite remember the address to the house. Im sure this is the one, said the driver. Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. Replied one of the others, Ill go knock on the door, and check. If its the wrong house, at least Ill get to a toilet!

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured hed just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he cant find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a strangers house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they dont believe me! So YOURE the guy! The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!

(As told to me by a bartender, original source unknown.)

A tired looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite
explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to
serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious
look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the mans request.
The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the
bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink
each one in turn. Finally, the bartender has to ask.

Why all the drinks?

Celebrating!

Oh? Whats the occasion?

My first blowjob.

Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it
an even ten.

No thanks. If this doesnt get the taste out of my mouth, another
one wont help any.

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

I dreamed I was on vacation, one man said fondly. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.

I had a great dream too, said the other. I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.

His companion looked over and exhorted, You dreamed you had two women, and you didnt call me?

Oh, I did, said the other, but when I called, your wife said youd gone fishing.

A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy with a foot long liter. he asks the man where did he get it? the guy replies there is a lamp by the lake rub it and the genie in it will grant you one wish. So the man runs to the lake finds the lamp rubs it and asks for a million bucks when he gets home there is a million ducks. He goes back to the bar and told the guy what happened. The guy replies You think I asked for a footlong bic?

Customer: (to bartender)
My wife and I just got into a knock down, drag out fight!

Bartender: What happened?

Customer: When it was all over, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!

Bartender: Wow! What did she say?

Customer: She said, come out from under that bed right now you coward or Ill kick your butt again!!