A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?

My mother died in August, he said, and left me $25,000.

Gee, thats tough, he replied.

Then in September, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $90,000.

Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.

And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

Then this month, continued, the friend, absolutely nothing!

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?

The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, Id like to buy those two ladies a drink.

The bartender replies, It wont do you any good.

The man, with a confused look on his face says, It doesnt matter, I want to buy those women a drink.

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads.

About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, Id like to buy you two another drink.

The women both reply, It wont do you any good.

The man says, I dont understand. What do you mean it wont do me any good?

The first lady says, Were lesbians.

The man replies, Lesbians? What are lesbians?

The second woman replies, Lesbians… We like to lick pussys.

The man says, Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, Well, I have a tattoo, too!

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, Whats wrong, sweet lady?

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, Oh, nothing, I cant show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it.

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesnt have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.

He asks the bum, Whos Jesus Christ?

The bum replies, Well, I am.

The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, Jesus Christ, are you in here again?

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says win $10,000; ask bartender for details.

He asks and the bartender says well, you see that man at the end of the bar?. the drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step…
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three…
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hookers apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. he belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says o.k., wheres the hooker with the sore tooth?.

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

"I have chapped lips."

"Does manure help them heal?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking them."

A bologna sandwich walks into a bar, sits down, and starts to order a drink.

The bartender looks at him funny and says Get out of here. We dont serve food in here!

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!