A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyones amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table … whole! Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy, He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? No, what? replies the guy. Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it! said the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.

An insect falls into a mug of beer. English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer. Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer. Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer. Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

Why, of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man.

The first man responds by saying, You dont say. Im from Ireland too. Lets have another round to Ireland.

Of course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.
I cant believe it, says the first man, Im from Dublin too. Lets have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, What school did you go to?

St Marys, replies the second man, I graduated in 1962.

This is unbelievable, the first man says. I went to St Marys and I graduated in 1962 too.

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

Whats been going on? he asks the barman.

Nothing much, replies the barman. The OMalley twins are drunk again.

Returning from the mens room, a bar customer was shaking his head.
Whats the matter? inquired the bartender.

While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the
scribblings on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY
FABULOUS HEAD – ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE
WORLD! replied the customer.

Ah buddy, I wouldnt give it a second thought, we get jerks in
here like anywhere else, said the bartender.

I know, continue the headshaker. One of them has scratched out
the phone number!

Tri Tran-Viet

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

Roger sits down at the counter of his local bar. Bartender, he says, give me the bottle of your strongest whiskey.

The bartender laughs, Sure thing, pal, $150.



He hands Roger the bottle, who instantly begins guzzling it down.



My God! said the bartender, Ive never seen anyone drink whisky that fast!



Well, said Roger, Im actually part of a new medical experiment, you see I have a series of cybernetic implants designed to allow me to handle any amount of alcohol very quickly.



Is that so? said the bartender.



Yes, said Roger, suddenly there is a loud buzzing from his chest.



Thats my metal stomach, codenamed old clanker, adding it to my bloodstream. Another low humming now. Thats my cyborg liver, codenamed old trusty, processing the whiskey. A high pitched whistle came from Rogers lower torso. That is my titanium kidney, codenamed old bean.



Suddenly, a man in a mask with a gun bursts through the door.



Alright, this is a robbery, he shouts, pointing his gun at the bartender, all the money, NOW! Everyone in the bar is terrified, with the exception of Roger, who turns to face the robber on his stool. All of a sudden, a deep rumbling shakes the bar. Rogers fly bursts open and a yellow geyser rushes forth, throws the robber out the door, across the street, and into a brick wall.



The bartender shouts, awestuck, What the hell was that?



Roger smiles, That was the last implant I got, codenamed old faithful.

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:

Excuse me, but arent you Adolf Hitler?

Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler.

But I thought you were dead!

Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

What? the guy exclaims. Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldnt drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.