The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.



When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.



The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pints goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.



The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and Im in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each ome brothers and one for me self.



The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.



One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.



When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.



The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no, everybodys just fine, He explains. Its just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.



Hasnt affected me brothers though.

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what hell have to swill.

As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As hes filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man. His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what hes got in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar… the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag… pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,wow, he sure can play the piano, whered you get him?

The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, Here, go ahead, rub it..

So the bartender says, Is there a real genie in there?

And the guy says, Yes, just rub it and see.

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp… and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, I will grant you one wish, and one wish only.

So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, Okay, Id like a million bucks.

The genie disappears… and theyre both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears… and another, and another… and it continues.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks.

And the man says, Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?

My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?

Aye, that I did, Mrs. Rileys tit, Kelly said. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.

A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, if you say one true thing you will recieve the desire of your heart, but if you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever.

The Redhead walks in and says, I think I am the most intelligent woman here and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.

The Brunette walks in and says, I think I am the most beautiful woman here and *poof* the keys to a Mustang fall into her hands.

Next the Blonde walks in and says, I think… and *poof* she disappears into the mirror forever.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, Thats quite a heavy drink. Whats the problem?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, I found my wife in bed with my best friend.



Wow, says the barkeep. What did you do about it? I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.



That makes sense, remarks the barkeep… And, what about your best friend?



I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog**

A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.

When he asks what the problem is, the friend says When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. Ive tried everything, but she doesnt moan, doesnt scream, doesnt even move



The guy pats his friend on the back and says Yeah, she does that with me, too.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!

Aw, says the guy, Hes Okay. Ill pay for any damages that he makes.



Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.



Thats it! the bartender screams, Get that monkey out of here!



Hey, says the guy, its Okay. Look, Ill pay you for the cue ball and leave.



The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.



Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?



Yeah, says the guy, dont worry about any cue balls.



After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.



That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life, says the bartender.



Yeah, says the guy, but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats.

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.

He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.

The man say I can do it!

So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.

About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.

The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok Ill do it!

He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, How did you make the donkey laugh?

The man looks at the bartender and says, Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did.

How did you make him cry? ask the bartender?

Well I showed him.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.



The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did?



The guy says, No, what?



He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!, says the bartender.



Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff.



He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?, he asks.



Now what?, responds the patron.



Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.



Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!