A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.
I have chapped lips.

Does manure help them heal?

No, but it keeps me from licking them.

He sits down at the bar. The bartender thinks, as he walks towards the gorilla, Hey, thats a gorilla. Hes probably pretty dumb… I can charge him a lot for his drink, and he wont know the difference!Whatll you have? the bartender asks the gorilla.Ill have a gin and tonic.Coming right up. The bartender makes the drink and sets it in front of the gorilla. Thatll be $13.50.The gorilla pulls out his wallet and pays the bartender.Its kind of a slow night, so the bartender starts to make small talk with the gorilla. You know, he said, we dont get many gorillas in here.The gorilla says, Well, at these prices, I can believe it!

René Descartes walked into a pub.The barman asked if hed like a pint.Descartes said, I think not.And promptly disappeared.

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender



asks, Whats wrong.



The guy says that he just found out that his younger son



is gay. The bartender



says, Im sorry about that buddy.



After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15



tequilas. The bartender



enquires, Whats wrong now? To



which the guy responds that he found out



that his older



son was gay, too. The bartender says that hes sorry.



The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.



The bartender



burst out, Isnt anyone in your family



gettin any pussy?! and the guy



looks up and sneers,



Yeah, my wife!

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.



The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, Brrr!.



The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, Listen, if you ever do that again Ill cut yer balls off!



The gremlin says, Aint got none! Well, Ill cut off yer prick! Aint got one of them, neither. says the gremlin.



Well, how do ya pee?



The gremlin smiled and said, Brrr!

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, Can your dog perform other tricks?.

But of course, the man answers, he can even gratify a woman.

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

Its always the same thing with you!, the man then shouts at the dog, Ok, Ill show you how to do this one last time.

Sven and Osmond are good friends.

Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar.

This is a tradition that goes on for some time.

One day, Osmond says to Sven, Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.

Sven considers this and agrees.

Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work.

This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason.

One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, But, Sven, arent you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?

Sven says, Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I dont think that Osmond should be punished for that.

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says You cant bring that dog in here! The guy, without missing a beat, says This is my seeing-eye dog. Oh man, the bartender says, Im sorry, here, the first ones on me. The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says You cant bring that dog in here unless you tell him its a seeing-eye dog. The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says Hey, you cant bring that dog in here!

The second man replies This is my seeing-eye dog. The bartender says, No, I dont think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs. The man pauses for a half-second and replies What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes stide up to them.

Like any buisness tonight?

They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.

Ay! Allright Of course obviously they are scottish…

Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel accross road The first dwarf, Malcolm says.

They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 Jimmy as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.

Ahhh….has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get lil Jimmy to cooperate…. To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room….

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!! Obviously he is having far greater success… In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex… Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.

Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.

Ahhhh…hello Malcolm, what an appauling night…Lil Jimmy wasnt playing along says the dwarf…

Hah!! says Malcolm.

Its fine for you. I couldnt even get on the bed!!

A dyslexic walks into a bra….