There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said.
Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?

Then the lady answered, Excuse me, I think this is a goose.

And the bartender says, Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.

A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop. The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says I knew you couldnt do it. The man replies, You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator, he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says So where are you from, then?

Im from Ireland.

Me too! Ill drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin.

Me too! Ill drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

Where in Dublin are you from?

The East Side.

The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Ill drink to that! They both finish their pints and order two more.

Where on the East Side are you from?

McDonagh Street.

Me too! This is incredible! Ill drink to that.

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, Thats amazing! I cant believe theyre from the same street in Dublin. Whats going on?

Oh, its nothing amazing, says the bartender,its just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks This guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: Shay mister, taste this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

It tastes like piss, he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: It is. How old am I?

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, Reebok. She thinks thats a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees Puma tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word AIDS tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..

Im not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!

He says, Its cool baby, in a minute its going to say ADIDAS.

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if hed pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.

The bartender isnt quite amazed yet.



So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouses playing.



The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing hes ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.



Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!



The man agrees, and sells him the frog.



After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.



The man says, Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.

Koala bear walks into a bar and picks up a woman. Takes her back to his place and perfoms oral sex on her. After satisfying her he just gets up to leave.

She insist that he stay longer. He hands her a handout from Australlia that idetifies him as an animal that eats bushes and leaves.