Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at
the counter. Bartender says, You cant bring that dog in here!
Man says, But this is a Seeing Eye dog! Bartender says Well, OK,
then I guess it can stay.

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As
theyre going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming
in. First man says, The bartender wont like you bringing that dog
in here, but just tell him its a Seeing Eye dog and then itll be
OK. Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks
a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

Bartender says, Hey! You cant bring that Chihuahua in here! Man
stares straight ahead and exclaims What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!

A cop pulls over a guy.
Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?

Gee, officer, the man says.

Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.



If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.



I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.



Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think Im the smartest person in this bar. And she gets a million dollars.



Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think… POOF! She disappears.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds.

Wow! Twenty pounds! exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.



Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, Arent you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?



The proud father answered, 10 pounds.



The bartender said, Why, what happened? Didnt he weigh twenty pounds at birth?



The proud Texas father said, Yup . . . just had him circumcised!

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! she screamed.

Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later… And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. Why? Dont ye believe me?

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, “Pay a dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free beer.”

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry and get a free beer. He does this and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, How did you do it?

The guy answers, To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then his and to make him cry I showed him

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, You know, Im not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?
The big guy nods slowly. Hes obviously fielded this question many times.
One day, he begins, I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, You now have 3 wishes.
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, What will be your second wish?
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream. She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?
I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?

A drunk walks into a bar and sits down. In front of each stool he sees three darts. He calls the bartender over and says, Hey! What are these darts here for?

The bartender says, Well, you take the darts and throw them at the dartboard behind the bar here, and anybody that gets three bulls-eyes in a row wins a prize.

Oh, says the drunk, stifling a burp, all right. He picks up a dart and, weaving from side to side, hurls it, clutching the bar at the last moment just in time to prevent himself from falling off the stool. Amazingly the dart lands firmly in the center of the bulls-eye.

He picks up the second dart, and with one hand on the bar steadying himself as best he can, he throws it. With his follow-through he collapses onto the bar, his head hitting the wood with a resounding thump. Incredibly, though, the dart lodges itself right next to the other one. Another perfect bulls-eye.

The drunk then pushes himself up off the bar, picks up the third dart, and takes careful aim with two eyes that are looking in different directions. As he throws the last dart he falls backward off the stool and lands in a heap on the floor. But miraculously the dart lands once again in the bulls-eye.

As he stands up and wobbles over to the bar the drunk says loudly, I want a prize! I want a prize!

The bartender, astounded, says to him, Okay, buddy. Okay. Youll get your prize. Just hang on a minute. As he turns around the bartender thinks to himself, What am I going to do? Nobody has ever won before. What am I going to give this guy?

Looking around the bar, he sees an old aquarium in the corner. He goes over, rolls up his sleeve, reaches into the water, and pulls out a nice, medium-size turtle. He goes back behind the bar and walks up to the drunk. Okay, pal, he says, heres your prize!

The drunks bloodshot eyes light up for an instant and he says, Thanks a lot! He then takes the turtle and staggers out of the bar.

A couple of weeks pass and then one day the same drunk stumbles back into the bar. He sits down at the same stool and calls out to the bartender, I wanna try for a prize! I wanna try for a prize!

The bartender walks over and says, All right, buddy, go ahead.

The drunk then manages to repeat his previous performance with the one difference being that this time he manages to fall off the bar stool after every shot. However, he does make the three bulls-eyes.

I want a prize! he shouts. I want a prize! The bartender is totally flabbergasted. He says to the drunk, I cant believe it! Nobody has ever done this before, and youve done it twice in a row!

The drunk says, Well, give me my — gulp! — p-p-prize.

The bartender says, To tell you the truth, buddy, I just dont know what to give you. What did I give you last time?

The drunk belches, smiles dreamily, and says, Roast beef on a hard roll.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."