One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.

The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks yeah, what do you want?.

The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice Ive lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on.

At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. Sorry, but we dont re-tail spirits at this time of night.

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replied, The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each days conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
in Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.

Hans steps up next,
In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
Barman, give me a coke with ice please.

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks, Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?

Patrick replies, Well, if you bastards arent drinking, then neither am I

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.

He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.



The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.



The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?

A pirate was talking to a land-luvver in a bar.

The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, How did you loose your leg?

The pirate responded, I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?

No, answered the pirate. I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.

Finally, the land-luvver asked, I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?

The pirate answered, I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.

The land-luvver asked, How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?

The pirate snapped, It was the day after I got me hook!

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After shes completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,

What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, Its your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?

To which, the drunk replies, Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

How do you know this, Sister?

My Mother Superior told me so.

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

Dont be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself

Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

Oh no! Its not that Nun again is it?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.