A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.

No, Im not, the guy replies.

I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?

Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.

Well, what did you say to your best friend?

BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender Ill have a pint of Bud please and the second donkey says hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and Ill show you an Asshole! Another man walks up to the guy and says I resent that statement! The first guys says Why, Are you a Lawyer?

and the second guys replies NO! Im an ASSHOLE!

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill. The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender cant believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time? The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say Its because the watch is on your right hand.

The man puts the watch on his left hand and says Oh there we go!

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldnt drive.

This guy walked into a bar with a monkey on a string. He sat at the bar, and announced that the monkey is for sale.

The barman relied I dont want any monkey!! They destroy everthing, and they are a nuisnace!

The guy replied But this is a special monkey. It gives a really good blowjob. Look, go in the back and try it out.

After 10 minutes, the barman returns with a broad grin. Man, that monkey is really good!! How much do you want for it? $200 was exchanged.

That evening, the barman returned home to his wife. Hi, dear. I just bought this monkey. I want you to teach it to cook and wash, and then I want you to get the hell out of this house!!!

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”