A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.

She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says I want you to see this. She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.

She says so what do you have to say about this experiment?

He says IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WONT GET WORMS!

There was a guy and he was at a bar all night trying to get a lady.

He tryed and tryed all night, he couldnt get one.

He went home and his brother told him to put a potato down his pants.

On his way to the bar that night he put the potato down his pants.

He was at the bar all night.

He couldnt get a lady.

He went to home and told his brother that he still didnt get a lady.

His brother said that he should put the potato down the front of his pants next time.

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied, I work for the IRS.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

Maybe all I need is some fresh air, thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

Screw it, he thought.

Ill just crawl home.

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

You went out drinking last night, didnt you?

she said.

Uh, yes, he said sheepishly.

How did you know?

You left your wheelchair at the bar again.

This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?

The bartender says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, Do you have any grapes? The bartender again says no, and the duck leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any grapes?

The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the duck, I told you duck, I dont have any grapes and if you ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!!

The duck looked startled and leaves.

Two days later the duck returns walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, Do you have any nails?

The bartender replied, No, and the duck said, Good! Got any grapes?

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, whats the matter?

The fellow replies, well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.

Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?

The man stops crying and says, that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it.

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

Whats the matter now?

the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one! The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

It worked, it worked! he exclaims.

I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar?

Where is the bar tender?

This rope walks into a bar and says,Get me a beer! The bar tender relies,We dont serve beers to ropes here.

So the rope walks out and sees this guy walking down the sidewalk and says,Tie me in a knot and fray the end.

So the guy does so. Then the rope walks back in the bar and says,Get me a beer! The bar tender replies,Arent you the same rope who just came in here?

The rope says,Fraid Knot!

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didnt smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the towns football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, Buddy, if she went out with me, shed never go out with you ever again.

To which the local jock replied, Hey buddy, if she went out with you, shed never go out with ANYONE ever again.