A guy walks into a bar and just gets wasted smashed he cant even walk so the bar tender gets him a cab he goes home and comes back the next day to thank the bar tender the bar tender asks how did the night go and he says it sucked i blew chunks in every room of my house and the bar tender says that must of been a bitch to clean up and he says no dude chunks is my dog

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, Whatll it be buddy?

The man says, Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make em doubles.

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why hes doin all this drinking.

Youd drink em this fast too if you had what I have.

The bartender hastily asks, What do you have pal?

The man quickly replies, I have a dollar.

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant Take another drink! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, Take another drink! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, That boy should have quit while he was a head.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?
The barman replies, Its a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.Great! says the man, but what if I cant reach them? Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night, the barman answers.Do you want to try?No, but thanks anyway. Why not?, asks the barman.The steaks are too high.

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.That was nice of you, she says, looking around…
But wheres his wheelchair?

There was this young pirate, and he walks in to this bar, and he has a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, Hey whats that?

and the pirate says, I dunno, but Arrrrr! Its driving me nuts!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
Im just driving this way to tick you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
Keep honking, Im reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns dont kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen.
Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.

Received from William Conway.