a man walked into a bar and said, hey everyone, the drinks are on me, and your included too bartender. after the bartender and everyone else had a round of drinks, the bartender give him the bill. the man said, oh i dont have any money today, Ill have to pay you later. the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. about a month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, the drinks are on me everybody including you bartender. after everyone had their drink, the bartender give him the bill, again the man said, IM broke today bartender, Ill have to pay you later. again the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. another month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, hey everybody, the drinks are on me. The bartender said, hey what about me? The man said forget it buddy, you get mean when you drink.

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a streetcorner.



One says to the other, Boy it sure is hot today. Id really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, No Pets Allowed, and I cant leave Fido alone on the street.



The other man replies, No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and youll be having that beer real soon!



The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, Hey buddy, you cant bring that dog in here!



The man says, But Im blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!



The bartender says, Oh, OK then. The man drinks his beer and leaves.



The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, Hey buddy, you cant bring that dog in here!



The man says, But Im blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!



The bartender says, Oh really? Ive never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!!



The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!?

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.

He turned to the astonished patrons and said, Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and Ill remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?

As she got up to move, he said loudly, Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I dont have an extra two dollars.

She looked back and replied just as loudly, What makes you think I charge by the inch ?

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.

The drunk says, I havent got it.

The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, I havent got it.

The bartender cant believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time?

The drunk replies, You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, What in the world happened to you, buddy?

The guy says Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.

Yeah, says the bartender. What did she do?

She hit me with her bag of quarters!

A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter.

Have you gotten any?

he asked.

The clerk replied, Yeah. Three males and two females.

How do you tell the difference?

the man asked curiously.

Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one routine?

Well, slurred the man, Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home.

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, Whatll you have?

The man says, Give me three pints of Guinness please.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until theyre gone.

He then orders three more.

The bartender says, Sir, I know you like them cold. You dont have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low Ill bring you a fresh cold one.

The man says, You dont understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night wed still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and were drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, I know what your tradition is, and Id just like to say that Im sorry that one of your brothers died.

The man said, Oh, me brothers are fine—-I just quit drinking.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!