3 guyes walk into a bar

2 of them duck

Men are like coolers……load them with beer and you can take them anywhere… Men are like chocolate bars….. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips…. Men are like horoscopes….. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong….

Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think Im not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol Im just a little slort of sheep Im not drunk like tinkle peep I dont know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like hed been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, What happened?

The guy chugged the beer and said, I was fighting for Joannes virginity.

No kidding?

Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it.

Wife: Okay, todays Friday. Wheres your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

What happened then? they asked.

She said, “Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

Beer Troubleshooting ********************

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, when a Chinese man comes in. The Jewish man jumps up and punches him in the face.

Ouch! the Chinese man says.

What was that for?

That was for Pearl Harbour, the Jewish man says.

But Im Chinese!

Chinese, Japanese, whats the difference?

And the Jewish man sits back down.

A few minutes later, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

Ouch! the Jewish man says.

What was that for?

That was for sinking the Titanic, the Chinese man says.

Sinking the Titanic??? But that was an iceberg!

Ice berg, Goldberg, whats the difference?

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: Whats troubling you, brother? he said.

My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still cant see. Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldnt hear Jesus questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection.

This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. Dont you come near me, man! Dont touch me! he screamed. Im on disability!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a womans personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes; knows exactly what she wants.

Your Approach: You wont have to approach her, if she is interested, shell send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.

Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… this should be an
easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: Hes poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesnt give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: Hes gay.