A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texans offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?, asks the Irishman.



The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.



The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.



The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.



The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, Give me six double vodka.



The barman says, Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.



When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?



Yeah, my wife!

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk.

He asks the bartender wheres the bathroom at?



The bartender said, go down the hall and make a right.



Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.



This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, Whats all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.



The drunk said, Im sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out my balls.



With that, the bartender looks in and says, No wonder, youre sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if hed pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.

The bartender isnt quite amazed yet.



So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouses playing.



The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing hes ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.



Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!



The man agrees, and sells him the frog.



After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.



The man says, Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.

He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.



The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.



The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go…Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart.



Three bulls eyes!!!



All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize… grabs a turtle from the bars terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.



Three weeks pass… The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.



The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesnt know what to give, and he asks the drunk Say, what did you win the last time?



And the drunk responds A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a drink for himself. The bartender looks at the monkey and says to the guy, Hey, we have health standards here, get that monkey out of here!

Aw, says the guy, Hes Okay. Ill pay for any damages that he makes.



Ill at ease, the bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.



Thats it! the bartender screams, Get that monkey out of here!



Hey, says the guy, its Okay. Look, Ill pay you for the cue ball and leave.



The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his monkey and leaves.



Two weeks later, the same guy with the same monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender, remembering the incident, says, Listen buddy, are you going to keep your monkey in line?



Yeah, says the guy, dont worry about any cue balls.



After a few minutes the monkey runs across the bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks at the grape for a minute or two and promply shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by one.



That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in my life, says the bartender.



Yeah, says the guy, but after the cue ball, he began to size everything he eats.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla.

The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another.

The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.



Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.



The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, Somebody has broken into my car.



They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard.



The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, I just called about a car that had been broken into.

Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat.

A duck walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,no. So the next day the duck walks into yhe bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,No, I told you that yesterday. Then the next day the duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish.

The bartender jumps up and says,no, I dont have any fish.One more time you ask me Im gonna nail your flipper to the bar! The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails.


The bartender looks at him surprisingly and says, no. Well,asks the duck,do you have any fish?

Two blokes are in a bar on top of the Empire State Building. One says to the other You know, if you jump off of this building you get sucked in at the 10th floor. The other one laughs and says No way, man. Prove it

The first guy agrees and they both go to the edge. He jumps off and whoof! He gets sucked in at the 10th floor. When he gets back to the top the second guy, standing in shock, says I dont believe it! Let me try.

So the second guy jumps off and splat! He falls to his death. The first guy goes back into the bar. When he gets back there, the bartender tuts and says You know Superman, you can be a real bastard when your drunk!