Rene Descartes walks into a bar, really thirsty and hankering for a cool beer. The bartender, seeing a person of such celebrated status walk in, thinks Ive got to set this guy up with something really nice! So he says to Descartes, Mr. Descartes, would you like a nice snifter of cognac or perhaps some whisky from Scotland? On the house?



Descartes replies, Oh, I think not…and promptly disappears!

There was a guy bar hopping and he stopped in a bar. he asked the bar tender where the bathroom is, this guy was dead drunk and he was wabbling side to side down the hall to the bathroom, 5 minutes after he went in there everyone in the bar heard a blood curdling scream, the bar tender said ahh its only a 1 time thing, hell be ok, 5 minutes later he heasrd a blood curdling scream 2 times as loud as the first, the bar tender goes into the bathroom and finds this guy squatin down and the guy says bar tender there is something wrong woth your john every time i flush this thing sqeezes the heck out of my balls, the bartender says dude your sitting on the mop bucket.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After hes done, he says to the bartender, So what do I owe ya? And so the bartender responds, Oh, youre free of charge.

A dog walks into a bar and instead of rapping says to the bar tender Hey, Dog! How about a beer The dog drinks it and goes to the restroom. In the restroom he meets other dogs. All dogs Rap, and cuss thats how you know a DOG.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, Whatll you have? The guy answers, A scotch, please. The bartender hands him the drink, and says Thatll be five dollars, to which the guy replies, What are you talking about? I dont owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, You know, hes got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, Okay, you beat me for a drink. But dont ever let me catch you in here again.

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, What the heck are you doing in here? I cant believe youve got the audacity to come back!

The guy says, What are you talking about? Ive never been in this place in my life! The bartender replies, Im very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.

To which the guy replies, Thank you. Make it a scotch.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
How much will that be? asks the neutron.
For you? replies the bartender, no charge

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: Drinks for all on me including you, bartender. So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: That will be $36.50 please. The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. What, no drink for me? replies the bartender. Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.