Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

A cowboy rode into strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?

No one answered.

All right, Im gonna have another beer, and if my horse aint back outside by the time I finish, Im gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I dont like to have to do what I dun in Texas!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go: what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

ALRIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: Sorry, but we
dont
serve minors. So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth
between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out
flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, Excuse
me. Ill just be a second. An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is
not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender
notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: Get out now!
Youre the seventh minor Ive found in this bar tonight.The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a
nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: Youre looking sharp
tonight, come on in! This could be a major development. This proves to be
the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands
there au natural.Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that hes under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution
of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any
wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are
bassless.The bartender decides, however, that since hes only had tenor so patrons,
the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble,
he needs a rest – and closes the bar.