A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. AS the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, Thats quite a heavey drink. Is something wrong?

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, I got home today and found my wife in bed with my best friend.

Wow, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This ones on the house. As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, So what did you do?

I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye, and told her ethat we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.

That makes sense, said the bartender, but what about your best friend?

I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, Bad dog!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheelin and dealin they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the mans wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but dont worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, Whats the occasion?

The guy says,

Im celebrating my first blowjob!, as he finishes off the last shot.

Well, says the bartender, in that case, here have one on the house and he fills another shot glass.

No thanks, says the guy, If twelve didnt get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont!

A Gorilla goes into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks. The barman thinks, What would a gorilla know about drinks? and charges him $20. The gorilla downs the drink and orders another.

The barman charges him the same price again. He thinks for a minute and then says to the gorilla You know we dont get many gorillas in here.

The gorilla looks at the barman and says, ,At these prices I dont bloody wonder.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, Hey, whatcha doin with that pig?

Thats not a pig, you stupid ass! she said coldly. Thats a duck.

The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:IF WOMEN DRINK:Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink : Mixed drinks – no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, shell send YOU a drink.Drink : Wine – (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is…and youre in.Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk…and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.Cider : Hes probably under-aged and wants to get laid.Cheap Domestic Beer : Hes poor / student and wants to get laid.Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.Bitter : Hes old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laidGuinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.Wine : Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.Port : Thinks hes sophisticated, secretl

1. Youd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, Is this some kind of joke?