Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a

747.

A blonde goes to get her haircut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, How do you like it? The blonde says, Its okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?

A: A wind tunnel.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldnt get out of her room. You cant get out of your room? the captain asked, Why not?

The stewardess replied: There are only three doors in here, she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

Q: What is the difference between the panama canal and a blond?

A: One is a busy ditch and the other is a dizy bitch.

Q: How are bob barker and lorena bobbit different?

A: One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer

Q: How is a blond like a screen door?

A: The harder you slamm them the looser they become

Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?

A: Paint there balls green and lay on their backs in a watermelon patch

Q: How did tarzan die?

A: Thumping watermelons

Q: How are a turtle and a blond similar?

A: Put them on their backs and they are phucked

Q: Why did the blond have a big belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blond too!

The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought Id put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.

WRONG: Why cant blondes take coffee breaks?

This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.

RIGHT: Why cant pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?

Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.

WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?

This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.

RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?

Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.

WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?

This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians,
other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
against the Communist belief system that material goods are
provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will
also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourages automobile
use.

RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?

Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed
on Tandem Mail.

WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist
are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?

This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism,
elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines
deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own.
Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs
they do.

RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do
you rescue all of them before it collapses?

First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism
is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.

WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?

There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem
mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding
behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender
of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it
is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any
event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in
some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.

The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways.
First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are
both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this
precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second,
it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular
way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to
be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since
it has a heterosexualist bias.

RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?

Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.

WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovahs Witness with
a dyslexic agnostic?

Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes
people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an
example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted.
This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that
evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members
of certain religious groups may also find these random matings
offensive to their belief systems.

RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel
comfortable working together at Tandem.

Ill have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.

WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.

Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with
the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars
or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.

RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.

WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.

Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should
be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about
the competition. Simply describing their products is all the
humor thats necessary.

RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees
Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to
see if it crashes, which it probably will.

WRONG: Which doesnt belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?

Havent you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and
offensive to women and vegetarians.

RIGHT: Which doesnt belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?

WRONG: A mans penis size doesnt matter, unless youre having
sex with him.

That doesnt mean you can make fun of men, just because theyre
the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage
of anti-female ones, and then were back to Lawsuit City.

RIGHT: A Tandemites paycheck size doesnt matter, unless theyre
arguing with the Mail Police.

WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?

Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN
in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also
contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over
improper use of their product.

RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce First Friday?

Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isnt a
violation of something.

WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?

Cant you do anything right? Its What did Jeffrey Dahmer
say to Pee-Wee Herman? and the answer is Stop playing with
my food.

There was three girls a brown head, a red head, and a blonde head. They where going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if they got thirsty, and the blonde head said shed bring a car door……..so if they got hot she could roll down the window.

What is black, blue, red, and brown?
A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.

What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?
The invitation.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that brewnettes can understand them.

What is a fine lookin man with a brewnette?
A hostage.

She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!