A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.She then wrote a note saying,Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. The blonde pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

There was a blonde and she went to get her hair cut. She went into the salon with headphones on and she wouldnt take them off. Soon she fell asleep. The lady took her headphones off and then left to get shampoo. When she came back the blonde was dead. The headphones were playing breathe in breathe out.

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.

The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red heads husband said to the other two men, I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly j so she wouldnt jump off.

The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldnt jump off.

They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said: Dont look at me, my wife packs her own lunch!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint
at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on
a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
Its easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range
of most people – whether they are employed or not.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, dont worry which wire to cut. You will
always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications
system of any invading alien society.
Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes
or welders.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to
you, right there and then.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on
nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes
to escape.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.The blonde thought a bit and then finally said Better make it four, Id never be able to eat eight.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

[Another quarter inch doesnt impress most women.]

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.

[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]

The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s.

[That same year men began asking, Put that on my WHAT?]

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.

[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]

Watch out for flying hockey pucks – they travel at up to 100 mph.

[Stand clear or youll get pucked.]

Americas first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

[3 very lonely men.]

98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.

[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]

When hes feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the females nose with his teeth.

[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]

In 1681, the last dodo bird died.

[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesnt give her coffee.

[Its known as the Sanka clause.]

The Neanderthals brain was bigger than yours is.

[But he couldnt surf the Internet.]

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesnt wear pants.

[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.

[And if you connect them, they spell Dummy.]

What color was Christopher Columbuss hair? Blonde.

[He was lost and wouldnt ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones – Bhutan.

[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]

The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.

[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]

Every person has a unique tongue print.

[But would you want someone to ink yours?]

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

[Even if you dont inhale.]

Womens hearts beat faster than mens.

[Even after death.]

When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.

[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]

Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]

Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant plenty of excrement.

[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaughs nickname. ]

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

[His parents never bought him a night light.]

Bubble gum contains rubber.

[But should not be used as a condom.]

You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]

In high school, Robin Williams was voted Least Likely to Succeed.

[And most likely to grab himself.]

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

[74% think Madonna is.]

The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.

[I may never eat Jell-o again!]

The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.

[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]

Even if you cut off a cockroachs head, it can live for several weeks.

[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]

Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.

[Remember, when youre sick, Mother knows best.]

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

[And we all know what the F represents.]

The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.

[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]

Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.

[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]

Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.

[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

[Which explains why your teeth dont freeze in winter.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]

Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.

[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.

[What is the advantage of a bird thats been dropped?]

There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

[Even though most fish dont wear lipstick.]

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

[Who volunteers to confirm this?]

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

[Well, 2 out of 3 aint bad.]

When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

[The same is true for people.]

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?

Theyll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.

Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!

One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redheads house while the redheads father was out. The father had a pet parrot, which he did not let anyone else touch. But, when he left, the girls took him out. The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings. “Now youve done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde. “Go buy him another one just like that, heres some money.” The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50. “Okay,” said the blonde, “but its going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing.”