Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

How did the blonde try to kill the bird…she threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves…she fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die, drinking milk…the cow stepped on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose…bobbing for french fries.

Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month…the instructions stated, good for up to 20 pounds.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops…so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do men like blonde jokes…it is one thing they can understand.

Why do blondes like lightning…they think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces…from eating with forks.

Why do blondes have more fun…they are easier to keep amused.

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides…an interpreter.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer…frosted flakes.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head…a space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case…branch manager.

What do you call a smart blonde…a golden retriever.

What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes…the back of her head.

What does a blonde owl say…what, what…

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies…10…one to mix the dough and nine to peel the M & Ms.

Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence…to see what is on the other side.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back…from crawling across the street when the sign said dont walk.

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat…in case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet…so she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.

Why was blondes created…because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge…why were brunettes created…neither could the blondes.

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor…she thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months…because the box said from 2-4 years.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office…she wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives…the vegetable garden.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagon … far – from – thinkin.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerois…oh look, donut seeds.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra…spot.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short…so brunettes can remember them.

Why cant blondes put in light bulbs…they keep breaking them with the hammer.

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head…when you have a tire pump to re-inflate it.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her drivers license…because she got an F in sex.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air…she missed.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blondes ear…data transfer.

What is gross ignorance…144 blondes.

What is the difference between a dead blonde and a skunk in the road…there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Whats the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb…the lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is eaiser to turn on.

What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have…one that never misses a period.

What is the blondes highest ambition in life…to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What can save a dying blonde…hair transplants.

What are the six worst years in a blondes life…third grade.

What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common…you keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer…I dont know, there are some things even a blonde wont do.

Whats six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy…a hundred dollar bill.

How do you confuse a blonde…You dont. Theyre born that way.

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries…if she had a checkbook.

How can you tell when a fax has been sent from a blonde…there is a stamp on it.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook…she gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

What is the difference between a blonde and bigfoot…bigfoot has been spotted.

What does a blonde make best for dinner…reservations.

What does a blonde and cow-pats have in common…they both get eaiser to pick-up with age.

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on…its on, its off, its on…

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts…change.

What does a blonde say if you blow in her (or his) ear…thanks for the refill.

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair…last years hide and go seek winner.

What do you call a basement full of blondes…a whine cellar.

What do you call a blonde at the bottom of the pool…an air bubble.

What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel…an air bag.

What do you call a blonde between two brunettes…a mental block.

What do you call 20 blondes standing ear to ear…a wind tunnel.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle…a dope ring.

What do you call a blonde in college…a visitor.

What is five miles long and has an IQ of forty…a blonde parade.

A blonde and brunette jumped off of a 20 story building. The brunette hit the pavement but not the blonde…she got lost.

Boyfriend said to his blonde girlfriend, I am going to go skeet shooting…but I dont know how to cook skeet.

Question to the blonde…why do you have an ice pack on your chest…to keep the milk fresh.

How do blonde brain cells die…alone.

How do you measure a blondes intelligence…stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.

How to you keep a blonde busy all day…put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you…run…shes got a hand grenade in her mouth.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle…shine a flashlight in her ears.

How do you kill a blonde…put spikes in her shoulder pads.

Why does a blonde wear shoulder pads…to keep from hurting her head as she rocks it back and forth and said I dunno.

How do blondes pierce their ears…they put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How do you drown a blonde…put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Why do blondes hate M & Ms…theyre to hard to peel.

How do you know when a blonde is making chocolate chip cookies…there are M&M shells all over the floor.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory…proof reading.

How do you keep a blonde in suspense…Ill tell you tomorrow.

How do you keep a blonde busy…write please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.

Why cant the blonde make ice cubes…she lost the receipt.

Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed…she wanted to see what she looked like when she was sleeping.

How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek…one.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone…divorced.

Why couldnt the blonde write the number eleven…she didnt know which 1 came first.

How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde….the smart blondes have dark roots.

Why dont blondes eat pickles…because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

Why does the blonde wear underclothes…to keep her ankles warm.

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory…she threw out all of the Ws.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday…tell her a joke on Friday.

What do you call a zit on a blondes butt…brain tumor.

Why dont blondes make kool-aid…cant fit 8 cups of water in the little packages.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain…gifted.

Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes…stands for toes g o in first.

How many blondes does it take to change a tire…5–2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.

How do you kill a blonde…put spikes in her shoulder pads.

How do you give a blonde a brain transplant…blow in her ear.

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common…theyre both empty from the neck up.

Why did the blonde cross the road…never mind that, whats she doing out of the bedroom?

What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear…thanks for the refill.

Whats the mating call of a brunette…Is that darn blonde gone yet?

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink…thats where you wash vegetables.

How do you get a blondes eyes to sparkle…shine a light in her ear.

Whats the advantage of being married to a blonde…you can park in handicapped zones.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you…pull the pin and throw it back.

Whats the mating call of a blonde…I think Im drunk.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex…opens the car door.

Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress…to keep her neck warm.

Why did the blonde have square boobs…she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall…to see what was on the other side.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common…the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb…6 – 2 to read the instructions, 1 to find the switch, 2 to stand on, 1 to screw the bulb.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb…two…one to hold the diet pepsi and one to call daaaady.

The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went…it finally dawned on her.

How did the blonde commit suicide…she dyed by her own hand.

Brunette to the blonde…Awww, look at the dead birdie…the blonde stopped, looks up and says, where?

How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer…there is white-out all over the screen.

How can you tell if another blonde been using the computer …theres writing on the white-out.

Why do blondes wear ear muffs?…to avoid the draft.

Whats the mating call of the blonde…Im soooo drunk

Whats the mating call of the ugly blonde…(screaming) Im drunk!

Whats the mating call of the brunette?…all the blonds have gone home.

What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears…trying to hold on to a thought.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?…because it said concentrate.

Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet…she thought it was diet coke.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering…the noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips…from trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar…she heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why dont blondes have elevator jobs…they dont know the route.

Why does blondes have elevator jobs…they like going up and down.

Why do blondes work seven days a week…so you dont have to retrain them on Monday.

What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons…you can also sit upright in a car.

A: A woman collecting her thoughts.

A: Alone.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaady!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, – Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!!!

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

* Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow.

* Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

* Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

* Carrie Snow

Old age aint no place for sissies.

* Bette Davis

If you cant be a good example, then youll just have to be a horrible warning.

* Catherine Aird

A mans got to do what a mans got to do. A woman must do what he cant.

* Rhonda Hansome

The phrase working mother is redundant.

* Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

* Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

* Caryn Leschen

Whoever thought up the word Mammogram? Every time I hear it, I think Im supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

* Jan King

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

* Jennifer Unlimited

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

* Kathy Buckley

Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know Im not dumb and Im also not blonde.

* Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

* Erica Jong

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

* Sue Grafton

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

* Laurie Kuslansky

I think – therefore Im single.

* Lizz Winstead

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? Its plucking your eyebrows. Thats how I originally got pierced ears.

* Geri Jewell

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

* Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

* Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

* Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

* Gloria Steinem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.

* Marie Corelli

If men can run the world, why cant they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

* Linda Ellerbee

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

* Eleanor Roosevelt

A: They think someone is taking their picture.

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?

White-out on the screen!

How can you tell shes made the corrections?

She wrote over the white out!

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,

Im going to try to swim to shore. So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.



The second one, the redhead, said to herself, I wonder if she made it. I guess its better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.



So the blonde thought to herself, I wonder if they made it! I think Id better try to make it, too. So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore

was just in sight, but she said, Im too tired to go on! So she swam back.