Heya friend:

Okay, like you asked me to … I looked at my TV and tried to learn how to use it. Im always on the computer (which I know very nearly everything there is to know about) but it took me awhile just to figure out how to turn the fool TV-thing on. But read on.

I found my TV but when I turned it on, it didnt give me the Microsoft Windows(tm) boot logo screen like it should. I mean, it was really weird … first thing that happened was I got this black & white fuzzy screen saver with absolutely HORRIBLE sound (like pure white noise, man; Id have sworn at first the sound card in that puppy was shot! Either that, or the screensaver wasnt worth crap) and some big, ugly, neon-green 03 in the upper-right corner (I assumed that it was a volume-level display, which doesnt sound too high, but TRUST ME it needed to be turned down …).

I couldnt decide whether to hold my ears or panic so I tried doing both and started hitting some buttons on the bottom (by the way, what a wuss of a keyboard! sheesh! this thing is worse than the iMacs – and the stupid thing doesnt even come with a mouse or a REAL keyboard … I think the people who dreamed this up took the all-in-one concept a little too far).

Well anyways, I used the power button again (can you say, -BLOOP!- fade to black. Curious,I turned it back on. I found the arrow keys and started pressing them … the big neon-green number kept changing, and each time I did that, it started playing a new movie (never did figure out whether they were MPEGs, MOVs, or AVIs but they were pretty smooth so I assumed it probably had a Pentium II or better under there, plus better-than-decent graphic and sound cards).

Of course, the sound was always one volume with those keys: LOUD. So I guessed whatever that big green number was for, it sure wasnt anything to do with the volume (Later on, I found the +/- keys which controlled the volume and I thought -DOH!- thats not so frustrating after all …).

Anyways, I noticed that each time I returned to a certain number, it was playing the same movie (although with obvious passage of time). Then it hit me! This thing was actually multitasking FULL-SCREEN movies in real-time with POWERFUL ease!!!

Needless to say, my jaw fell open at that thought as my brain concentrated on one single word of awe -WOW!-. This must be some advanced, multi-threaded, resource-efficient operating system, with each big green number representing the current processing thread as it exists in the operating system kernel (I assumed the device must have been in demo power-user debug mode, precisely to impress the upper-crust elite technophile such as myself). By this time, you realize, I understood I was on to some serious stuff. I couldnt wait to find out more.

I played with some more buttons, and was sadly disappointed. All I could do was adjust the contrast, brightness, and picture settings (as an interesting aside, I could make the picture scroll up or down REALLY FAST … I cant imagine the computing horsepower required to pull THAT off … WOW! what a cool toy! dont know why they put that in there; maybe to prove they could … must be some sharp hardware and software designers that worked on this puppy after all!).

Also, I started to get tired of the movies … so I started channel-flipping (I remember hearing the words channel and flip so Ill use them, but I dont know why they call it that when its actually selecting an operating system thread in the kernel to view. On second thought, channel IS shorter but Im not sure where the name came from). I saw other movies and got tired of them. About that time, however, it looked like several movies played out their entire video contents and the TV-computer randomly picked another to start in its place. I was surprised, since I expected that thread to be closed out as each

Still, its actually quite nice overall. It never froze, gave me a BSOD, or crashed – always on, always smooth. I actually watched it until very late one night when all of the sudden, one of the channels (and eventually most of them) put up this off-colored squarish rainbow pattern with this awful high-pitched whine that just wouldnt stop.

Oh! That was even worse than the fuzzy screensaver! (I can see where they cut corners in software development – the desktop themes definitely need a little more work) So I finally went to bed and when I woke up, I looked the TV all over to see if it had a CD-ROM or floppy drive, so I could boot it off Linux or Windows to see if I could hack my way into the operating system … nothing! I guess they hard-wired the operating system in there, because I dont see HOW they could install it … what about upgrades? what if your registry gets fried (assuming its windows) or if root goes crazy and causes a permanent kernel panic (if its linux). I mean, sheesh, didnt these guys do any disaster-preparedness testing? I mean, its obviously a great operating system)!

…

Well, decided to take a break and then come back to the letter, so I did. I think Im becoming a TV convert. I mean, this stuff is cooler than Windows or even Linux. I mean its non-interactive alright, but you get used to it after awhile and its good to relax by. Besides being entertaining just to sit back and watch, I find this device intellectually stimulating as I contemplate the impressive technologies which must be involved. I even find it mildly addictive (and Im sure that its entertainment technology and quality will constantly improve with time).

Also, it has ZERO boot-up time (Ive seen several Pentium III systems eat its dust comparatively), never lags, crashes, or hangs up and I can actually even turn it off in the middle of a movie and not get that annoying Scandisk screen when I turn it back on like I do with my desktop system (talk about user-friendly! except theres no pause feature; maybe that will be implemented in a later model?) And its not linux-based apparently because I didnt see a console screen anywhere, or XWindows. Strange that theyre so secretive with the internals of this black-box device.

But what a device it is! Best of all, it is cheaper than any comparable desktop or notebook computing system I have EVER seen. I mean, you must know what you are talking about – I agree that these things are going to be serious competition to everyday computing as we currently know it. I predict this technology will change the world and the process has probably already begun. I for one will not be left behind!

Well anyways, I took my TV to Radio Shack and asked them to look at it. Strangely enough, everybody started staring at me just walking into the place – like I was lost or didnt belong there or something.

(Shrug)

Anyways, I put the TV on the counter and asked one of the Radio Shack people to tell me how to get to the boot-up menu so I could load the command-prompt and do some registry backups (which must be done in DOS mode not in Windows mode, as you well know).

I swear, that man gave me a blank stare for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. I was being insulted! I got a little hot under the collar so I grabbed the TV with a Well, fine! remark and stormed out. I plan to write a letter to the editor of the paper to explain my situation and complain about the rude service at my local Radio Shack (surely their unprofessional behavior will be shamed in the public light) and ask publicly for anyone to help me with the TV setup or if there are any local TV users groups anywhere in the area and what time they have meetings. I mean, Im a smart guy, and I dont appreciate being a lot of good to offer in user groups like that at least, even if I cant help the bozos at Radio Shack.

Well, anyway, youre a friend, and you understand. I know you well enough to say you wont be laughing at me right now. Friends are compassionate and helpful, and I seem to be running low on them down here. I mean, man! An entire Radio Shack store of people, LAUGHING and POINTING at me! What a bunch of rude, uncivilized cretins! Dont they have any standards of social decency? I even tried to explain to the guy that I knew exactly what I was doing, as I have installed several operating systems before, and I knew the exact locations and compositions of the Windows 9x and NT registries as well, plus I even knew how to use RegEdit without breaking a sweat (really! Im -THAT- good … no thanks to THESE helpful goons).

I mean, (and you know this!) Im a grade-A computer nerd! I really dont NEED these peoples help! I was just trying to save myself some learning-curve time. Ill just figure it out ON MY OWN and then when THEY come to ME and ask ME questions well see whos laughing THEN! HMMMPH! (Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Ive never been treated like this before. Before my advice has always been sought and respected and all of the sudden everyone treats me like I havent got a clue, and I just dont understand why. But Ill show them. TV is the wave of the future – whether they like it or not!).

REVENGE OF THE NERD DAY IS COMING AND ITS GOING TO BE SWEET!

Copyright (C) 2000 by Byron (Curt) Curtis Smith, Jr.

This article may be freely copied and distributed in unaltered form as long as this copyright notice remains intact. Any other use requires written permission by the author. Enjoy!

IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches

Lunch, the HP Way

by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPUs, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new series
70, the works. He said itd take about an hour. Three hours later, wed
barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me downstairs
for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter
was a menu which began…

MMUs (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer.
The waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

How would you like to order that, sir?

Quickly, if possible. Cant I just order a sandwich and a drink?

No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?

I scanned the menu. How big is the 00010 burger?

The patty is rated at eight bites.

Well, how about the rest of it?

I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think its a bit more.

Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade.

My sales rep interrupted. No, you want the Single Burger option 002
expands burger to two patties. The double burger upgrade would give you
two burgers.

But you could get return credit on the extra bun, the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, although it isnt documented.

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in
the parking lot with his cherry-red 62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

What if… we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option and
without the burger and cheese? Itd be a BLT!

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
again. Have you decided, sir?

Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it. She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option
to substitute relish.

Ketchup. I hated to ask. I want ketchup on that, too.

Thats not a condiment, sir, its a Tomato Product. My sales rep butted in
again. Thats not a supported configuration.

What now? I kept my voice steady.

Too juicy. The bun cant handle it.

Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it.

The waitress backed away from the counter. Im sorry, sir, but thats not
supported either, the bun can take it but the burger wont fit in the box.
The sales rep defended himself. Just not at first release. It is being
beta-tested, sir.

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. What the hell are English Fries? I
turned to the sales rep. Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them.

I gave up. OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle. The confused
the waitress profoundly. Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for
series 00450 Milkshakes. My sales rep chuckles. No maam, he just wants a
standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the shelf.
I didnt ask.

Very good, sir. The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. Your meal is now
on order. Now how would you like it supported?

Support? She directed me
to the green shaded area at the bottom of the menu, and I began a litany
with my Sales Rep that Ill never forget.

Implementation assistance?

You get a waiter.

Implementation analysis?

You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat.

Response Center Support?

He brings it to your table.

Extended materials?

You get refills.

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me my
check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the
table, and decided itd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadnt
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, Two weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away.

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began
to grom dim, my eyesight faded…

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.

Richard J. Sexton

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
The you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows

95. Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go. Well, whats the difference between the two? Bill asks.

God says, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision. Fine, but where should I go first? Ill leave that up to you. Okay, then, says Bill. Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. Its a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. This is great! he tells God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

Fine, says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. Its nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. Hmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he tells God. Fine, replies God. As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

Hows everything going? he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water? Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.

Rom – Where the pope lives.

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean…
And ram was the cousin of a goat….

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2 floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
youd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spiders home
and a virus was the flu

I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims its a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesnt care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there.

VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peters Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined companys new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, said Gates. The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the companys new on-line service, we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home.

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peters Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats, the crowd roared, but the pontiffs smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vaticans prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors access to these key intellectual properties.

The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures, said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. You take the parting of the Red Sea — we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience, notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Churchs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.

Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Churchs mission is to reach the four corners of the earth, echoing MICROSOFTs vision of a computer on every desktop and in every home.

Gates described MICROSOFTs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — One religion, a couple of different implementations, said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.