Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the Tricky Dick Virus, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

(sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice)

Three rodents with defective visual perception,
three rodents with defective visual perception.

Visualize how they perambulate,
Visualize how they perambulate.

They all perambulated after the agriculturalists spouse,
she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil.

Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence,
as three rodents with defective visual perception?

A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and an invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

Youve been programming too long when:

When you are counting objects, you count in hexidecimal.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says If you dont turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: grep keys /dev/pockets

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.



Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.



The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.



The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).



A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.



While Contraceptive 98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.



OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.



DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.



CONCLUSION

Contraceptive 98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.



Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 98s potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.

1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a
book activation code by phoning Microsoft.

2. Only one person may ever read your book.

3. Its full of spelling mistakes and typos.

4. When youre reading your book, the words can mysteriously disappear.

5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.

6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License
Agreement Hype (BLAH) before you can read your book.

7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book
inspections to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the
BLAH.

8. The Book Users Group General Alliance (BUGGA) calculates that the
annual loss of revenues to Microsoft arising from BLAH violations in
2001 was $10.97 billion.

9. There are two versions of your book – the Standard and the Pro
versions. In the standard version, those pages containing the most
useful information have been stuck together.

10. Confidential information is inexplicably in bigger type that can be
easily read by anyone glancing over your shoulder.

NT Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.
OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet
that nobody noticed.
Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook
it and it still tastes like … chicken.
Microsoft Chicken (TM):
Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken:
It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road …
C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer
to him on the other side.
VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will
download one to the other side. (Of course, those are chicklets)
Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Cant cluck, cant fly, and cant lay eggs, but you can carry it
across the road in your pocket !
Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you dont dip it
in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the
road until you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken:
Dont you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do !
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the
road, so theres no way to tell it to.
Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (National Chicken-crossing
Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as its finished, assuming
hes re-elected and the Republicans dont gut the program.
COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.

IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN

PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD

VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL

ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE

ELSE

GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you hes had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do and you dont even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.