1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, its probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where youd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesnt work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

ABC Americas Mickey Mouse Network



Allstate Sears-ious Insurance



AOL Weve Got You by the Wires



AT&T No, WEVE Got You by the Wires



Burger King Wait for It Your Way



CBS Welcome Home. Hey, Where the Hell Is Everyone?



Chevrolet GEO Whiz, We Like Toyota



Chrysler The Mercedes-Benz of American Cars



Coca-Cola New Coke Was Pepsis Idea



Democratic National Party Bill Clinton? Never Heard of Him



Disney Available in Stores for a Limited Time Only



Eveready Nothing Really Keeps on Going Forever



Ford Quality is Somebody Elses Job



Ernest & Julio Gallo: We Will Have No Hangover before Its Time



General Electric Were a Lot Like RCA



Honda Just As Good As Hyundai. Really



IBM Windows Is Just a Fad



JERZEES Fit to a T



KIA Killed in Action?



Little Debbie Snackcakes Our Name Says It All



LOreal Im Worth It, and Whats It To Ya?



Maytag The Fix Is On



McDonalds Did Somebody Say Cholesterol?



Microsoft Breaking Up Is Hard To Do



NBC Formerly Known As Must See TV



Nike Just Do It and Get Arrested



Norelco Running Circles around Blades



Old Navy Can You Ever Forgive Us?



Oscar Meyer We Are NOT about Spelling



Pepsi-Cola That Clear Crap Was Cokes Idea



Pizza Hut Nobody Beats Our Meat Lovers Special



?Que Pasa? Not Really a Name Brand



RCA Going to the Dogs



Republican National Party The Potatoe People



Sony We Just Cant Top the Walkman



Sprite Obey Our Ads



Seven-Up Up Yours, Cola Bastards



Subway We Are Not Public Transportation, Dammit



Toyota Slightly Better Than Hyundai



Unicorns Sorry We Missed the Ark



Volkswagen Buyers Wanted. Hey, Were Dying Out Here



Whirlpool Not Nearly As Wet As We Sound



Xerox The Original Copycats



Young Again We Wish



Zebra Sort of Like a Black and White Striped Horse



Zerox See Us at Xerox

How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Mac users dont screw, they just click the genital icon.

IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement

IBM: Idiots Built Me

PRESS RELEASE

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.

Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations. The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply Money (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apples theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stacs pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples.

Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of Money always at my fingertips. Gates further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software, continued Gates.

Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISVs appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question. Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show. Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would all be using it soon. Jim Seymour stated that the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States. Hillary Clinton was not available for comment.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
Youd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut–you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of

2.

5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL

9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

10. -{—– The information went data way ——–[

11. Best file compression around: DEL . = 100% compression

12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

14. The name is Baud……, James Baud.

15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

16. Access denied–nah nah na nah nah!

17. C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

19. Why doesnt DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename!

20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

21. Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

22. Backups? We don NEED no steenking backups.

23. E Pluribus Modem

24. … File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny

26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?

29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

30. A computers attention span is as long as its power cord.

31. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.

32. 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?

33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

36. Whos General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

39. Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…

40. All computers wait at the same speed.

41. DEFINITION: Computer – A device designed to speed and automate errors.

42. Go ahead, make my data!

43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..

44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…

45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

46. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

47. Help! Im modeming… and I cant hang up!!!

48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

50. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981

51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

54. Press any key…… no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!

55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue …

Random Access Memory – When you cant remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it