At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

15. How do you want to crash today?

If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.

Microsoft files trademark infringement lawsuit

REDMOND, WA (APR. 27) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced today that they have filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against Kimberly-Clark Paper Company. The lawsuit claims that Kimberly-Clark has knowingly violated trademark laws in their introduction of Windows TP line of paper products.

The lawsuit names four separate products from Kimberly-Clark: The Windows TP Quilted for home use and the discerning business, The Windows TP Non-Quilted quality bargain brand for general business and office use, The Windows TP Floppy Roughness for extended shelf life, and the Windows TP CD-ROM Recycled Waterproof Roughness for schools and backpackers.

Kimberly-Clark has acknowledged the lawsuit. In a written statement to the press, a spokesperson for Kimberly-Clark said, Our product and computer software are unrelated. While it may be said that both Microsofts product and ours have similar uses, we believe that they are sufficiently different that both can maintain the Windows TP name without infringement.

A Microsoft spokesperson said, Our Windows TP product was conceived in the exact same place where the Kimberly-Clark product will be used, and thus is in clear violation of trademark laws. Also, every restroom facility already has a Window in it, and more of these facilities are moving to computer automation.

We feel that our Windows TP operating system will be in millions of bathrooms within the next year, and there are enough brands of TP out on the market already without adding another which clearly violates Microsofts trademark.

REDMOND, WA (APR. 29) – Business Day

Mr. Gates has no intention of deifying himself a Microsoft spokesperson reassured an anxious delegation of meditators to-day. It is traditional for the development team of a Microsoft product to include their names and bitmaps in the product. These bitmaps are only made visible through the activation of a backdoor – an unusual combination of keystrokes.

In the case of TPW (the telepathic version of Windows) the beta waves generated by the meditation activated the word beta embedded in the version number contained in the code. This in turn triggered the release of the bitmap of Mr Gates, the spokesperson ended.

From the explanation given by the delegation it appears that the sudden appearance of the image of Mr Bill Gates led several of the less experienced meditators to believe that they had been made privy to the appearance of the next saviour of the world.

When asked if this problem would be corrected before the product was released, the Microsoft spokesperson said that it was not official policy to comment on unreleased products.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them. 5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

2. A better model is always just around the corner.

3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

4. It is always necessary to have a backup.

5. Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

8. The lights are on but nobodys home.

9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

10. Size does matter.

Drug Dealers
Software Developers

Refer to their clients as users.
Refer to their clients as users.

The first ones free!
Download a free trial version…

Have important Asian connections.
Have important Asian connections.

Strange jargon:

Stick
Rock
Wrap
E
Stash
Drive-by
Hit (LSD)
Source
The Pigs

Strange jargon:

SCSI
RTFM
Packet
C
Cache
CTRL ALT DEL
Hit (WWW)
Source-code
Microsoft

Realise that theres tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Realise that theres tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesnt work they
want to kill you.
Clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesnt work they
want to kill you.

Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent product.
Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent product.

Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes.
Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and
fund managers.

When things go wrong, a fix is just a phone call away, but may be
expensive.
When things go wrong, a fix is just a phone call away, but may be
expensive.

A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.

Product causes unhealthy addictions.
DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D…

Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on
you.
Damn! Damn!!!

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:

A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

Here
you will find the top 45 oxymorons.

An oxymoron is
a combination of two words that are completely
opposite in meaning. In the dictionary youll find:
"A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory
terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a
mournful optimist."

Youve
probably heard many of these before but didnt realize that they fall within
this category.
45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt head

26. Military intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Child Proof

21. Now, then …

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate
…And the number 1 oxymoron is..

1. Microsoft Works

IBM: Ive Been Moved