Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.

Cache – Needed when you go to da store.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, well call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. Hed become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is hed wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting I cant believe it and Its a miracle and Hes alive . There were cameras (unlike any hed ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldnt contain his enthusiasm. It is over? he asked. Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jacks cryogenic receptacle, it hadnt been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldnt get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

That sounds terrific, said Jack. But Im curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?

Well, said the Prime Minister. The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the send key.

Microsofts ad slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today?



Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:



1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.



2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!



3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.



4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.



5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.



6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.



7. Error #152 – Windows not found:

(C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.



8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better



9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.



10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.



11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.



12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!



13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.



14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.



15. How do you want to crash today?

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.



Tech: Whats the problem?



User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.



Tech: Youll need a new power supply.



User: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.



Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. Youll need to replace it.



User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.



Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.



Tech: Sorry, Sir. We dont normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.



User: I knew it!



Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.



Ten minutes later.



User: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking.



Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?



User: MS-DOS 6.22.



Tech: Thats your problem there. That version of DOS didnt come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.



One hour later.



User: I need a new power supply.



Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?



User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.



Tech: Then what did he say?



User: He told me that my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

IBM: Itty Bitty Machines