Chip – Yer cusins uncles mothers boyfriends name.

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.

The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Except for the fact that theyre stinking rich.

Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has not yet been implemented.

Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.

Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift, says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.

Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General pandemonium then ensued.

Universal resume translator

I know how to deal with stressful situationsIm currently on long term Prozac treatments.
I am able to take the time to interact wellI take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I have strong communication skillsI talk too much.
Im proud of my organizational skillsI love to tell other people what to do.
Im extremely adept at all manner of office organizationIve used Microsoft Office some.
Im honest, hard-working and dependableI only pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includesTo say nothing of all the McJobs Ive had.
I take pride in my workI blame others for my mistakes.
Im balanced and centeredI keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a good sense of humorI know a lot of corny, old jokes and tell them badly.
Im personable and interested in othersI give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Im willing to relocateIve just been evicted again.
I have a stable personal lifeOnce I finish with this latest divorce, that is.
Im extremely professionalI have a Day-Timer calendar thingee.
My background and skills match your requirementsAt that piddling salary, youre lucky to get anyone.
I am adaptableIve changed jobs a lot.
I am always on the goIm never at my desk.
Im highly motivated to succeedThe minute I find a better job, Im outta here.
I have formal trainingMy probation officer says Im a natural student.
I interact well with all co-workersAll those sexual harassment charges were a sham.
I have a pleasant phone manner with lots of experienceIm always making personal telephone calls.
I look forward to hearing from you soonLike, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

99 Bottles of Beer song gets stuck in an infinite loop



At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.



Internet Movie Database now lists 1901: A Space Odyssey.



Bob Doles age erroneously listed with only two digits.



Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.



Software engineers point out that since computers think its almost 1900, we technically have to party like its 1899 (which, frankly, doesnt seem like that much fun).



Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the Gatesian Calendar.



Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.



Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.



Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage at McDonalds restaurants.

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Subject: more microsoft c humor

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version – Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today+30_days, were just testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe) {
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in,today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{ ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
Keep an eye on this bastard);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); }

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1

With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.

Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.

FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.

FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.

FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.

COBOL
A delivery van. Its bulky and ugly, but it does the work.

BASIC
A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
Youll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.

PL/I
A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-
tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield

C
A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional
seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
assembler).

ALGOL 60
An Austin Mini. Boy, thats a small car.

Pascal
A Volkswagon Beetle. Its small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectuals.

Modula II
A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.

ALGOL 68
An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
can drive it.

LISP
An electric car. Its simple but slow. Seat belts are not
available.

PROLOG/LUCID
Prototype concept-cars.

Maple/MACSYMA
All-terrain vehicles.

FORTH
A go-cart.

LOGO
A kiddies replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
engine and a working horn.

APL
A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.

Ada
An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
No other colors or options are available. If its good
enough for the generals, its good enough for you.
Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
design specification are starting to clear up.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Clinton met with members of the newsmedia in an attempt to clear up misunderstandings involving dealings between Microsoft of Redmond, Washington and the U.S. Goverment.

Mr. Clinton not only denied taking any military action against Microsoft or Bill Gates, he also stated that there were never any negotiations regarding the acquisition of the United States by Microsoft, Inc.

In fact Clinton said, we have entered into a strategic alliance with Microsoft that promises to end the enmity between our two nations (President Clinton has apparently mistaken Microsoft for an independent country), and to bring about a new spirit of cooperation that will benefit those we have used, er, our users, or uh, rather, our citizens… well you know what I mean.

Mr. Gates joined the president on stage by means of a satellite hookup, with his image being projected on a large screen over Clintons left shoulder, while the president talked to him on a cellular phone. Thanks, Bill said Clinton, youve just help make the world a better place. For his part, Gates would makes faces and mock the president but would stop just before the president turned to look at the screen in response to audience reaction.

Details of the agreement have not been completely worked out, but it appears that Microsoft will be making a $150 million donation to the Democratic party and has promised that Microsoft Office will continue to be compatible with YK2-susceptible U.S. government computers well into the 21st century (Thats the next one coming up, right?… Right? Clinton was heard to inquire.).

Microsoft will be granted a deluxe weekend stay, including continental breakfast and souvenir pen, in the Lincoln Bedroom and one Get out of jail free card.

Reactions of the assembled reporters and analysts was mixed.

REDMOND, WA – Microsoft concluded negotiations today to acquire the Peoples Republic of China, sources close to CEO Bill Gates revealed. The deal, valued in the billions, will cede control of the most populous nation in the world to the Gengis Kahn of the computer world.

The newly formed corporate state will be known as Microsoft China, and will include the newly merged city of Hong Kong. We see this acquisition as being very positive for Microsoft a spokesman stated this morning at a dim sum breakfast for the media. Not only do we aquire a vast workforce to manufacture our products world-wide. Thanks to years of conditioning by the Central Committee, we can also tell them as consumers what to buy!

The Central Committee will receive shares of Microsoft common stock, and be relocated to the Microsoft Peoples Recreational Camp located outside Henderson, Nevada. Microsoft will assume control of the Chinese bureaucracy.

Rumours of Bill Gates elevating his title to Emperor, however, are merely speculative at this point.

To make the transition easier for the Chinese people, Microsoft Word is being used to revise traditional Chinese Communist texts. The Replace command is sweeping away references to the party with Microsoft, and references to Chairman Mao Tse Tung are being exchanged for praises of Chairman Bill Gates.

In a possibly unrelated move, Microsoft also announced its intention to acquire all of the Chinese take-out restaurants in the United States, the European Union, and portions of Brazil.

IBM: Ive Been Mislead