The following are strange error messages you can get Unix to generate.

They were culled during the summer of 1988 from rec.humor. As
we all know, real error messages have two parts: a message code, and a
return code. Ideally, the message code is hexadecimal, the return code
is octal, and the manual explaining the error messages uses decimal.
But Unix ™, in keeping with its characteristic lexical confusion,
produces error messages which, although designed to make the system
appear sentient, and conversational, ultimately make the system seem as
stupid as it is. Note that the % prompt indicates that the command
should be issued from the C shell, and the $ prompt indicates the
Bourne shell. Enjoy.

% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% How would you rate Reagans incompetence?
Unmatched .

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many (s.

% make love
Make: Dont know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% (-
(-: Command not found.

% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Port – Where the commercial fishing boats dock

IBM: Itty Bitty Morons

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord goes into it. Can you see that?

……Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into

the wall.

……Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other cable.

……Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back

of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle-its because its

dark.

Dark?

Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do

you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer!

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest it cannot happen to me, the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: Yes. Youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.

You must work in Information Technology says the balloonist.

I do replies the man. How did you know?

Well says the balloonist, Everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone.

The man below says, You must work in business.

I do replies the balloonist, but how did you know?

Well, says the man, You dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.