Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows95.

Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go.

Well, whats the difference between the two? Bill asks.

God says, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Fine, but where should I go first?

Ill leave that up to you.

Okay, then, says Bill. Let me try Hell first.

So Bill goes to Hell. Its a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect.

He is very pleased. This is great! he tells God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

Fine, says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. Its nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. Hmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he tells God.

Fine, replies God. As you desire.

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

Hows everything going? he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?

Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.

Windows2000 Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.Windows ME Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. Microsoft Chicken (TM): After noticing that it is the only chicken to successfully cross the road, the US DOJ declares then the Microsoft Chicken (TM) is a 900 pound gorilla, not a chicken, and wants to divide it into several smaller gorillas and place them in the middle of the road hoping traffic will run them down… Netscape Chicken: Stands in the middle of the road loudly squawking about how the Microsoft Chicken is keeping it from crossing the road. Apple Macintosh Chicken: Crossed the road long ago and still claims to be the first chicken that we could actually see cross the road. BASIC Chicken – has crossed the road many more times than any of the other chickens – and constantly complains about how…in my day we didnt have 21 SVGA or 17 Flat panel monitors, we had crappy black and white TV sets AND WE LIKED IT!…in my day we expressed RAM in BYTES, we thought megabyte was something you did when you were hungry.. Pascal Chicken – After all these years, still faithfully helping the farm kids get enough confidence to hold hands with a C Chicken and cross the road. OOP Chicken: It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road … C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer to him on the other side. VB Chicken: nzHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. Java Chicken: If your road needs

Computer novices may feel like theyre alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBMs help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PCs serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, I see you have an Aptiva desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said shed be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as hibernate. Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a window to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

To all my friends, thanks to you all for sending me chain letters in 2003. This is what happened to me:I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that its good for removing toilet stains.I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.I dont leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the hormones they contain may turn me gay. I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their all white meat McNuggets and Big Macs.I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.I think Im turning gay because when I go out, I dont look at any one, no matter how hot he is, for fear that he will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. Remember? She was a sick girl who was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times? Amazing girl! Shes been 7 since 1993!I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail tracking program.My Ericsson phone never arrived. Neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland or my coupons for free meals at Applebees and Outback.But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got

A few days ago, we were trying to explain to a MS-DOS user
how the VI editor works. Heres what we come up with:

Vi is an editor with two distinguished modes:

In Edit mode you have all the capabilities of grandmas
typewriter right under your finger tips! You can make the
very same mistakes as you did with grannys typewriter
(and your possibilities to correct them are about the same).

Thats why Vi was provided with a second mode, namely the
_Beep_ mode. On a vt100 terminal or compatible you can
get into Beep mode by pressing an arrow or escape function
key. In this powerful Beep mode even the more innocuous
keystroke will promptly produce a Beep sound. As an example,
arrows, return, blank spaces and most capital letters will
produce beeps in the most arbitrary places of the screen.
Just think about the whole world of possibilities that
this mode gives to you:

–Compose a monotonic symphony or rap while editing your
thesis!

–Send messages in Morse code to the secretary next door!

–Keep yourself awake with the clear sound of the Beep tone!

The variations are endless.

I heard that Microsoft is going to come out with a version of Windows for the MacIntosh. I can imagine what the advertisements will be:

Are you tired of the user-friendliness of your MacIntosh? Then get Microsoft Windows for MacIntosh, featuring limited on-line help and poor documentation!

Why settle for intuitive keyboard commands when you can have confusing F-key combinations? But dont take our word for it–here are some satisfied customers:

I couldnt stand all the easy drag-and-click commands on my MacIntosh. Now I can do everything with wordy commands that only work on one file or directory at a time!
— Goober McLeod, IBM user for 15 years

I hated the automatic startup files. Now, I can go back to my autoexec.bat file and pray Ive got everything set up right! Plus, MS-Windows even disabled the Find File command, so I can search all my directories by hand to find those utilities I lost!
— Joey Boring, still using a VT-52

Whats with these 30-odd letter file names? I like MS-Windows much better; it only lets me use eight characters! Thanks for clearing up the confusion!
— Mark Rodgers, who thinks HP calculators are easy to use

By using the Memory Mismanagment(TM) utility, I can have my computer ignore the 32 MB of RAM its got and only see 640K of it! Just like the good old days!
— Horace Kludge, using the leading edge of technology on his WANG

Multi-tasking? Who needs it? When I run a program, I want it FINISHED before starting another one! And MS-Windows lets me do just that!
— Donald Hapershnalzik, still programming in COBOL

All those fonts on my MacIntosh keep confusing me. But with MS-Windows theres only one! My word processor is much easier to use now that I have no choice on the font!
— Larry Linkworm, still confused by his VCR

MS-Windows even disabled the control panels! Once again, my speaker is set at full volume, and I have no choice on how the displays look! That gives me lots more time to run the limited programs that work under Windows!
— Marty Halfgear, who is fascinated by bright and shiny objects

And look at the other options available:

Non-standard keyboard commands. Its much more fun to learn new commands with each new program you get, right?
Different system requirements for each program, requiring a reboot each time!
The 3.3 option, which forces you to partition your hard drive into 10MB segments!
Limited mouse support!

MS-Windows for MacIntosh. For De-Evolutionary people.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the send key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, What power switch?

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4s and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4s to her 3 1/2s. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didnt know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4s to the same size as the 3 1/2s and put them in the drive!

13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

Tech Rep: Yes, how may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

Tech Rep: Im sorry, but did you say cup holder?

Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

Caller: No I didnt get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, 4X

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldnt keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password….now you have to understand hes got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect…so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in penis…I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

Chip – What you munch during a football games

[Ed: From around the time of the MS Windows Delays ]

Why did Microsoft hire Gary Hart to announce their delivery schedules?

To improve their credibility.