Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?

Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. Im running late
now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day …………………………….. $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ……………… $2.50
Access to support …………………………… $1.00


Author Unknown.

Microsoft Announces a Major Corporate Diversification
Into the Car Making Business.

The major design criteria are:

Economies in interior design are based upon uniform size back-sides
seats are all the same size and standard distance from the steering wheel.
The cars will only run on Microsoft petrol (Microsoft LP Gas will be
announced soon ..)
The oil, alternator, low-fuel and engine management system warning
lights will be replaced by a single General Car Protection Fault
warning light.
Delivery strategy is such that the consumer is under constant
pressure to upgrade (modestly priced upgrade kits will be available
either dealer fitted or self install). Support for self install is
an extra cost option, cost based upon the number of calls and the
number of callers.
You can only have one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
Car95 or CarNT but having bought one of these, you still need to
purchase more seats.
Occasionally, for no reason at all, the car will die for no apparent
reason and restarting is a simple turn of the key .. strangely, this
is accepted as normal.
Every time the lines on your normal road are repainted, you must buy
a new MS Car
People would get excited about the new features of the Microsoft
car, forgetting that the same features have been available from other
car makers for years …..
and not to forget
Sun MicroSystems will make a car that is solar-powered, twice as
reliable, five times as fast but will only run on 5% of currently
constructed roads.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest foo someone someday shall type supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, be terrified, and howl in pain and anger! He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Nike condoms
Just do it.

Toyota condoms
Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi condoms
You got the right one, baby.

Pringles condoms
Once you pop, you cant stop.

Mentos condoms
The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack
Ten million strong and growing.

Secret condoms
Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

MacIntosh condoms
It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford condoms
The best never rest.

Chevy condoms
Like a rock.

Dial condoms
Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto condoms
Cause hey – you never know.

California Lotto condoms
Whos next?

Avis condoms
Trying harder than ever.

KFC condoms
Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola condoms
Always a Real Thing.

Lays condoms
Betcha cant have just one.

Cambells Soup condoms
Mm, mm, good.

The Carls Jr. Condom
If it doesnt get all over the place, it doesnt belong in your face…

General Electric condoms
We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom
Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty condom
The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft condoms
Where do you want to go today?

Energizer condoms
It keeps going and going and going…

M&M condom
It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Chevron condoms
Use them? People do.

Taco Bell condoms
Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI condoms
For friends and family.

Double Mint condoms
Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom
One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines travel pack
Deltas ready when you are.

United Airlines travel pack
Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom
To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Levis Condom
Shrinks to fit. Since 1853.

Benetton condoms
United genitals of Benetton.

Nokia condoms
Connecting people.

Philips condoms
Lets make things better.

Pentium condoms
Intel Inside.

Ram – The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

One of Microsofts finest techs was sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was completely blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: Its leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!