/*



* Microsoft marketing algorithm.



*/



#include

#include

#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */



#include /* For the court of law */







#define say(x) lie(x)



#define computeruser ALL_WHO_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE



#define next_year soon



#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version











void main()



{



if (latest_window_version > one_month_old)



{



if (there_are_still_bugs)



market(bugfix);







if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)



raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);



}







while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)



{



make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in



lie.h */



if (rumours_grow_wilder)



make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);







if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)



{



market_time=ripe;



say(It will be ready in one month);



order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);



order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);



order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);



vapourware = TRUE;



break;



}



}







switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)



{



case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:



say(It will be ready in, today + 30_days, were just



testing);



break;







case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:



say(Yes it will work);



ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);



pretend(there_is_no_problem);



break;







case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:



say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to



the 32 bits architecture);



inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);



inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memory chip plant



because all those customers will need at least 32 megs);



inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);



get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);



break;







case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:



say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for



everyone);



register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);



when(time_is_ripe)



{



arrest(journalist);



brainwash(journalist);



when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)



{



order(journalist, write a nice objective article);



release (journalist);



}



}



break;



}







while (vapourware)



{



introduction_date++; /* Delay */



if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)



break;



say(It will be ready in, today + ONE_MONTH);



}







release(beta_version)



while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)



{



bills_bank_account += 150 * megabucks;



release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);



introduce(more_memory_requirements);







if (customers_report_installation_problems)



{



say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);



if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)



{



ignore(customer);



order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, Keep an eye on this guy);



}



}



if (there_is_another_company)



{



steal(their_ideas);



accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);



hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */



wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);



buy_out(other_company);



}



}







/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry



at us */







order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_guy);



buy(nice_little_island);



hire(harem);



laugh_at(everyone,







for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);



}







void bugfix(void)



{



charge(a_lot_of_money)



if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)



say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);







if (still_complaints)



{



ignore(customer);



register(customer, big_Bill_book);



/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!! */



}



}

1. Only the creator can understand the logic.2. No one understand the native tongue when computers talk with other computers.3. The warning Command or File name is incorrect, is just as helpful as If you dont know why Im angry at you, Im not going to tell you4. Your mistakes are stored in long-term memory, and can be recalled later on.5. The more you get acquainted with your computer, you realize your spending more and more of your salary on accessories.

IBM: Identical Blue Men

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santas summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to all who have made Christmas great, and vowed to make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all. It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked Why buy Christmas? Bill Gates replied Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. Well use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98.

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 97 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so dont expect any changes this year. She continued, our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 98. It will be bigger and better than last year. She further elaborated that Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[98] as early as November first.

Christmas 97 is scheduled for release in December of 1997, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1998. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next years economy and the nations tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. But it could be good in the long term, he explained. With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business, suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was sizeable, even for a man of Santas stature. Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

Quoted from Unix World, November, 1989:

The grim reality is that every life ends with a death. Funeral homes
exist to make that fact a little more tolerable. … UNIX can help
here, too. The Gordon Funeral Chapel, for instance, does much of its
accounting on an AT class, multiuser machine running XENIX. …

. .. For example, Gordon says his system has to be able to classify two
kinds of customer, at-need, those who are actually deceased, and
pre-need, those who have made arrangements for funerals while still
living. Moreover, the system has to be able to convert one kind of
customer to the other as the need arises…

(Forwarded by an American friend of Italian descent).

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a NYPD BLUE screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Garbitch
My Computer is called My Freakin Computer,
Dialup Networking is called Good Fellas,
Control Panel is known as the da Tote Board,
Hard Drive is referred to as da trunk, and …
Floppies are them little Freakin plastic disc tings.
Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.

OTHER FEATURES:

WINDOWS 98WINDAS 98
OKdo it I tell ya
Cancelhell no
Resetdis is ya last chance
Yesa kay
Nona
Findturn dis place ova
Insertstick it in dere
Deleterub it out
Helpcan I get some help here
Stopya betta quit it
Startlets get a move on
Settingsda Fix
Programsstuff
Documentsstuff dat I already done

Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:

WINDAS 98WINDOWS 98
SecritaryA word processor
Pitcha makera Graphics program
Numberscalculator
Scratch papernotepad
Boom-boxCD player
Da WebMicrosoft Explorer
pitchasA graphics viewer
IRSM/S accounting software
IRS2M/S accounting software with hidden files
BookieRace track records tax records – usually an empty file
graffitiscreen saver
Red Light DistrictInternet connection
VinnisDiscount computer repairs

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, theyre the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean up, as in look up at the screen. Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the authors Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, its your computer, but dont say I didnt warn you.

Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with huh and ! with zowie.

Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND ITS STUCK DOWN NOW

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a hand held blow dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no shift keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled hif?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation shift, the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful youre using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin words n stuff on it.

Q. Im sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word shift very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to train the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, its better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They arent. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, dont worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesnt seem to work. Whats wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey – you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going….
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

OFFICE MEMO
Date: 1/18/96

SPINDLER CALLS IN AIR STRIKE, DESTROYS APPLE TO SAVE IT

Stock Price Increases 50%

Well do it better, Says Microsoft

CUPERTINO, Calif. JANUARY 18, 1996
The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an earthquake or natural gas explosion, as officials first believed.

It now appears that the terrific explosion and fire at Apple Computer headquarters was the result of the first corporate-initiated airstrike on U.S. or California soil in U.S. history.

Sources within Apple have told newspapers that, in an effort to save Apple from an internal coup that would result in the breakup and sale of the company, embattled Apple CEO Michael Spindler called in elements of the California Air National Guard, based at Moffet Federal Air Station in Mountain View, Calif. to bomb and strafe his own headquarters.

Spindler allegedly called the California Air National Guard late last night and ordered the airstrike, using an Apple Macintosh Quadra A/V with experimental sound cards to simulate the voice of California Governor Pete Wilson.

Within Apple, Spindler is seen as a hero. Cool! He called in an airstrike on his own position to save his company, said one internal Apple applications developer, who gave his name as Scooter. It was like one of those cool movies about, like, you know, Viet Nam, that I read about it on the Web, dude.

A memo to key staffers, reportedly written by Spindler himself, explained the need for the sir strike to counter moves by Apple managers and board members to oust him in a corporate coup and to simultaneously increase the companys marginal revenue. Existing Macintoshes, both those in use and those in warehouses, will instantly become collectors items and therefore increase dramatically in value, according to the memo, which went on to explain that this action will therefore increase our margins on existing stock with no cost to our sales and manufacturing operations. Spindler, said to be ailing, is in seclusion. Attempts to reach him by phone mail and fax were unsuccessful.

Apple stock shot up 50% on the news, as Wall Street apparently agreed with Spindlers strategy. Blowing up his own headquarters was a stroke of genius, said one Wall Street analyst. This is the kind of pure creative, self-destructive genius we used to see when Steve Jobs was at Apple. Its like the old days. Mac is back! Overall, computer stock stocks rose 75% as a result of the Apple news, then plunged 80% later in the day on rumors that Dan Dorfman had been seen having lunch with Jim Clark and Marc Andreeson.

The Spindler airstrike memo, obtained via Internet e-mail by this reporter, was fragmented and missing key information. Apparently, the strike was planned for January 1, but key aides to Spindler did not receive the e-mail until yesterday due to routing table buffer problems and addressing errors.

Cupertino city officials issued a statement at 10:00 PST this morning calling the air strike an unfortunate incident that, while we hope we will all gain something from it, we hope it did not offend anyone of any race, creed, color, religion, thought process or emotional state, and we must emphasize that the City of Cupertino had no role in this incident if it did. Class-action lawsuits against Apple and the city, alleging emotional trauma resulting in a lost train of thought, loss of computing resources and interrupted Internet access have already been filed in California State Court.

Later, when told by federal officials that the city will qualify for both federal disaster relief funds and labor department funds for unemployment and job training programs as a result of the destruction, Mayor Bob Mellow said, Cool. We applaud Apple and Mike Spindler for having the vision and courage to take this decisive action, and hope that our earlier statement was taken in the spirit in which it was meant.

In Redmond, Wash., Microsoft announced plans to build and detonate several networked low-yield nuclear devices at its own headquarters some time in 1997. This is a project we already had underway, said a spokeswoman for Microsoft chairman Bill Gates. We just decided that the marketplace wont be ready for it until 1997. Or 1998, if we decide thats when we really want to do it. Or maybe later. Right now, were hiring additional staff, developing new technology and getting ready to copy Apples idea, strategy and execution. Oops, I meant to say that were evaluating previously extant competitive actions. The project, dubbed Curtains 97, is expected by analysts to be complete some time in 1999.

Apple announced it will sue Microsoft in federal court over the look and feel of the use of explosive devices in business and home computing product strategies.