Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. Itll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints Oh no you dont! whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: Youre in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

What is the difference between a used-car salesman
and a computer salesman?

The used-car salesman knows when hes lying to you!

PCMCIA: People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Cant See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, Well, then, that means that you virtually dont exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all of the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, What, you dont have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!

Moral of this story:

The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
If you dont have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via e-mail of from the web, youre probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese Haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables, five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third …

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek

Can not be located but

Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Aborted effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

My Novel not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao until

You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document youre seeking

Must now be retyped.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.