Dont you wish when life is bad
and things just dont compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well shes just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot

Youd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

Network – Scoopn up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the
Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final
details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night
bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton
representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously
fatigued and smiling
Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no
chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the
government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft
gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition
with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared,
The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take
over all operations. The official announcement was made by
Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an
alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year.
The currency, called simply Money (patent pending) bears a
striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this,
Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the
design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to
Microsoft, citing Apples theft of the Windows look and feel, and
Stacs pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two
examples.
Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to
his grand vision of Money always at my fingertips. Gates
further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would
make it difficult for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue
throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This
(acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to
continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and
installing software, continued Gates.
Response within the industry and government was immediate. All
major ISVs appeared at the press conference and announced
support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition the most
earth shattering event in the history of the world, without
question. Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news
since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show. Ed Bott
declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues
to the new Money and said we would all be using it soon. Jim
Seymour stated that the miraculous Money is now the standard for
currency in the United States. Hillary Clinton was not
available for comment.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.

People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today
that more software companies have been added to the groups watch list
of companies that regularly practice software testing. There is no
need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like
these can market new products, said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for
PETS. Alternative methods of testing these products are available.
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lenghty and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to break the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
torturing the software.
Its no joke, said Grandola. Innocent programs, from the day
they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and crashed for hours
on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when theyre not needed any
more. Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and
is infested with bugs. We know that alternatives to this horror
exist, he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a
company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.

Microsoft has just released its update to TimeTraveller 1.0 (TM), the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.

The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time, one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back? A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. Me an the missus cant agree on tea-time anymore, he grumbled, an she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives.

TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows 95.

But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsofts domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bills part is crazy, the Micromouthpiece testified. Besides, he couldnt work with Goebbels.

In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes:

CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi.
WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebub (TM), an occult algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler. Youll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do.
MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. Its important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You dont want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mothers maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit.
DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants.
BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to say cheese may result in a broadsword to the head.
CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple.
DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if its just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someones cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsoft will tell Satan to give you a hot foot. So there.

You may have noticed that a new TV ad for Microsofts Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the Confutatis Maledictis from the Mozarts Requiem.

Where do you want to go today? is the cheery line on the screen.

Meanwhile, the chorus sings Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis, which means, The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
Thou shalt use the English language properly.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
Thou shalt help other users.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOps rules.
Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload worm programs.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.