Right To Life virus: Wont allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks
(Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.
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Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please. Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety. Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to The Internet.
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Customer: So thatll get me connected to the Internet, right?
Tech Support: Yeah.
Customer: And thats the latest version of the Internet, right?
Tech Support: Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.
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Tech Support: Ok Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at thesame time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.Now type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I dont have a P.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech Support: P on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: Im not going to do that!
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Customer: My computer crashed!
Tech Support: It crashed?
Customer: Yeah, it wont let me play my game.
Tech Support: All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.
Customer: No, it didnt crash-it crashed.
Tech Support: Huh?
Customer: I crashed my game. Thats what I said before. Now it doesnt work.
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: Click on File, then New Game.
Customer: [pause] Wow! Howd you learn how to do that?

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?

New domain names being proposed:

10..trekcontains audio files of William Shatner
9..billMicrosoft has bought this company
8..lovefor people who would rather cuddle
7..slowbased in a distant country with no T3 lines
6..geekassumes you know what all the acronyms mean
5..404we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
4..y2kcontains theories about the end of the world
3..burnhuge multimedia files will crash your computer
2..*contains allegations about President Clintons sex life
1..duhexplains, in detail, stuff you already know

And here are even more new domain names being proposed:

.spamSites which offer to sell you everything you dont want
.buzExcessive use of Java Scripts
.aniHeavy use of animated GIFs
.hotThe most current, up-to-date sites
.oldSites which are updated about once a year
.carData on the automotive industry
.dogSites for dog lovers; or really ugly people
.catFeline fanatics (not to be confused with .pussy)
.birdAbout birds; as pets or as prey
.tripImages of family vacations – mental health warning
.helHealth care (.hell is copyrighted by Devil.com)
.peepDedicated to peeping-toms
.poohInformation for kids about Winnie The Pooh
.poop(left to your imagination)
.prezPresidential affairs (Paula, Monica, etc.)
.starPeople jealous of Presidential affairs
.sexSites which claim to have teenage girls waiting to do whatever you want, but are run by old guys. Also used for overflow from .prez
.dulFree sites which recycle the same low-rez images containing their URL
.lnxURLs which bounce you from one site to another, until you forgot what you wanted in the first place
.cntCounter sites, whos only purpose is to give someone credit for sending you someplace you didnt want to go
.chekURLs which use adult verification you have to pay for only to discover it isnt worth it
.jugsVariety of pottery; not female anatomy
.potCooking sites; not associated with the weed
.fanContains information about movie/music celebrities
.redUsed by soviet-block countries
.petConcerning household animals; but no Playmate Pets
.maxSites which dont accept your dads credit card because youve already maxed it out
.momInformation useful to mothers about child rearing
.dadHandy information about avoiding children
.kidTips on how to keep parents from finding out what youre doing on the Internet
.wedTips on planning a wedding; or avoiding one
.fitContains images of healthy people you didnt want to see
.fatAdult sites with images you REALLY didnt want to see
.assInformation shared by proctologists
.$$$Adult pay sites
.!!!REALLY good free adult image sites

1. Open an executable file on my machine. Please dont send any.

1a. Open Word documents (notorious for their embedded macros, possibly infected). (Get WordPerfect, at least its got a spell checker thats literate.) Please dont send any.

2. Read or pass on ANY kind of chain letter. Please dont send any.

3. Read a message thats been forwarded multiple times and is embedded three or more emails deep. If its worth sending, its worth copying and pasting; I receive too many emails to go up to my waist in any particular one, or read through 2 screens of email addresses. Please dont send any.

Why?

Because … I dont have Microsoft patience.

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Top 20 Things You Wont Hear a Programmer Saying

Oh, sorry. My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.

IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN SET heck:=frozen_over; SET pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs; END

So, I met this girl at a club last night…

I think this program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is kewl.

I finished the code two weeks ago, Id just like a little more time to polish the documentation.

Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.

At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.

Microsoft makes all the best programs.

I got into programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing documentation.

My girlfriend said …

Hmmm…. needs more testing.

I-I-I t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-ve h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.

Ive fixed all the bugs, added all the features you wanted, so if theres nothing else, Im going to leave a few minutes early for my date. Or I should say dates…Mimi and Kiki are twin lingerie models.

On this project, I want to apply what I learned from The Mythical Man-Month and spend time on the requirements and design instead of just banging out code.

The hardware is fine, we should fix this in the code!

Yes, my dear, of course. I will drop everything and come to meet you right away. Who cares about all this stuff anyway? YOU are so much more important to me and I have worked enough to complete my daily 8 hours!

I wish we could do this in COBOL (or: FORTRAN) !

Weve hit a bit of a problem. This task is going to take a little longer than I expected in the initial estimate. My fault.

Star Trek isnt really real. Its an abomination of social ethics.

I can do that in five minutes, just have a coffee and it will be ready.

Bar code – Thems the fightn rules down da local tavern.