Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Customer: Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, wont other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?

Tech Support: No, thats not possible. Why would you think that?

Customer: You see it on the TV all the time.

I know Daddys password! While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, I know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!
What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

Major bug with VB-TP during compilation

REDMOND, WA (APR. 30) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced today that if you thought about the program at all before creating the EXE file, it would fail.

Instead you need to carefully think of only the file name and the concept of compilation in order to get it to compile correctly. It seems that the design mode environment does not clean up after all the stray thoughts.

MS technical support is recommending taking a cold shower during file compilation in order to remain distracted enough for it to work correctly. As an interim bug fix, all VB packages are currently being shipped with a towel.

Reports of users getting severe migraines when double-clicking too often with the MindMouse are unconfirmed. As an interim bug fix, all MindMouse double-clicks should be performed with Metallica playing in the background.

Aluminum foil around the head seems to work, but it doesnt look too attractive. It also adds a whole new meaning to Metallica; but prevents the low-level radiation from the users Walkman from interfering with the synapse-Windows interface.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Seen in the latest copy of Windows Sources Magazine

Reprinted without their permission.

To: Windows R & D

From: Bill Gates

Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments

I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, Im sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Heres some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.

WINDOWS TOASTER:

This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you cant figure out any way that double-clicking on the box will reduce the size of the toaster to a 1-inch cube. Let the toaster companies worry about it. Its a hardware problem.

MOUSE-CONTROLLED CAR:

Im happy to see weve made more progress in developing a mouse that can steer a car. But you still object to tapping the left button to make the car go and the right button to apply the brakes. You say it will be confusing to drivers who are used to the gas pedal on the right and the brake on the left. Thats a user problem. We cant be changing our button standards to accommodate such out-moded technology as automobiles. You also mention that havin to lift up the mouse, move it back and scoot it forward again just to keep the car going means that cars wont travel more than 33 mph. Dont worry. If the drivers are Windows users, theyll live with the slowness. By the way, what has become of the preliminary plans to replace a cars four wheels with one large roller?

WINDOWS VACUUM CLEANER:

If its technically possible to create a vacuum cleaner with 100 levels of undo, lets do it. Yes, I know that an undo feature is probably not a meaningful feature on a vacuum; unless you suck up the cat, of course. So why do we need 100 levels of undo?

Consistency. We dont know why anyone needs 100 levels of undo in Word, either, so we may as well be consistent.

Best wishes,

B.G.

David Clough

Portland, OR

Not connected with Windows Sources magazine in any way, shape or form.

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really dont want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Top 47 OXYMORONS:



47. Act naturally

46. Found missing

45. Resident alien

44. Advanced BASIC

43. Genuine imitation

42. Airline Food

41. Good grief

40. Same difference

39. Almost exactly

38. Government organization

37. Sanitary landfill

36. Alone together

35. Legally drunk

34. Silent scream

33. American history

32. Living dead

31. Small crowd

30. Business ethics

29. Soft rock

28. Butt Head

27. Military Intelligence

26. Software documentation

25. New York culture

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. Now, then …

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

09. Political science

08. Tight slacks

07. Definite maybe

06. Pretty ugly

05. Twelve-ounce pound cake

04. Diet ice cream

03. Working vacation

02. Exact estimate



And the Number one top OXY-Moron



01. Microsoft Works

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though youve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dogs homepage is actually good.

You cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except fathers mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com–

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santas workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds hes a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! youre all of you through,

Its Microsofts SANTA that the kids cant resist, Its the ultimate software with a traditional twist – Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get em young, keep em long, is Microsofts theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketers dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!

And mum in her kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winters nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

The above document was written by Chet Raymo.