1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. …. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
novices. The Tao is embodied in all software–regardless
of how insignificant, said the master.

Is Tao in a hand-held calculator? asked the novice.

It is, came the reply.

Is the Tao in a video game? continued the novice.

It is even in a video game, said the master.

And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.
The lesson is over for today, he said.

Reprinted from The Tao of Programming.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, Im not Santa Claus.

Superconductor – Amtraks Employee of the year.

Government should be run like a business. Weve all
heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue
Service would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft.

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be
mailed the week before the new year. However it will
follow Microsofts example and actually ship them the
following May.

Responding to pressure from some large corporations and
a users group, some early copies of the tax forms will
actually be released in March. The recipients must
sign non-disclosure agreements.

In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS
loses a suit for appropriating some other countrys
intellectual property.

When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to
your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft
sends its product upgrade notices.

When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then
to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also
you need to send in a new registration card and get a
new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you
have to submit the original first page of your previous
years form.

Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax
return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the
the prior year is no longer supported.

The IRS telephone help will remain similar to
Microsofts, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover
personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but
the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free
phone number.

After struggling with reams of dense documentation of
complex options and rules, you discover that you will
need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in
order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40
for that publication.

The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue
immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and
clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should
be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.

Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets
of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will
be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual
taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-
profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of
Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving
speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only
to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code
will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely
kept secret until they are published.

A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. Well, Id like to go to Hawaii. But, Im afraid of flying and I dont like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii. says the man. Thats impossible! says the genie. Youll have to make another wish. Ok, I want to know how to be a successful computer programmer. says the man. How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.

Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldnt have these problems, I said in the memo. One customer responded
with What kind of shampoo do you recommend?

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.

A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
Gee, how much does one of these weigh?

Me: It depends on how much data is on the disk….

The operator believed it.

I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at
Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily
crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we
broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon.
There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the
Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up
to the counter and queried:

Whats wrong with the computer?

Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight
in the eye and replied: Broken muffler belt.

A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:
Oh, thats bad. Can you call Midas?

I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities… A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:

Caller: Whats the name for when youre entering data into the computer?

HD: Data Entry.

Caller: Thank you!

Overheard in a student computer lab:

Client (raising hand and waving frantically): The computer says Enter your name and press RETURN. What do I do??

Lab Assistant: Enter your name and press RETURN.

Client (as if a revelation has struck): Oh!

Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldnt think of a six-letter word.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you dont need to know, dont want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

REDMOND, Wash. – April 10, 1995 – Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto The software for the rest of yall(tm), Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.

Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals, explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, but weve recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology – the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!

Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internets hottest gifs, the promotional materials explain.

The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.

This is righteous software, man, says beta-tester Billy Grugg. It thinks like I think. Brad Cunningham agrees: I take it everywhere, he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.