A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue. He doesnt have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here. So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you. The fields include Name, Date of birth, Date of death, and Favorite Food.

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks Submit.

Up pops another screen which reads, We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register? So the man clicks the button marked Yes.

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the Submit button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later. There is a button marked Back. He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue…

To: All Release 5.0 Users

In Recognition of the number of problems that you have been
having with our sofware, we have set up a special
private BBS to serve you better. On this BBS your needs will
be addressed promply and with the highest priority. All future
correspondence should be via this new channel.

To access the BBS, you must dial in from a PC based modem running
Windows 95 (TM Microsoft) using the communication package el PC
telefono which is sold in most Latin American countries. Call your
special access number 1-900-543-2100 (1200 Baud, No Parity, 1 Stop Bit).
When connected, type in your 147 character access code. Please
note that to protect your account security the code is not displayed
on the screen as you type. The password is also case sensitive.

This will give you access to the Welcome screen from which you can
access all the other areas on the BBS. (The welcome screen is very
graphics intensive and may take several hours to download)

You are now ready to enter the specific area that is relevant to
your problem.

Disk Compression Problem Area: Type (simultaneously) ctrl-alt g x y
z esc 2 F1 F10

Universal Language Translator Problem Area: Type ctrl p l o 3 4 esc F5

Pre-release compatiblity Problem Area: ctrl t o u g h l u c k esc .

All other problems: ctrl alt del

By entering your problem into the correct area it will receive immediate
attention by one of our highly trained Job Corps volunteers (assuming
Congress is still funding this program). From there the problem is
photocopied and sent to every one of our other customers with a note
asking if they have ever seen this problem and if so how did they solve it.

To protect your confidentiality, any answer that does manage to get posted
will be translated to swahili and encrytpted. To receive the decryption
key word, you must call our Automated Keyword Generation Line. To
access this line dial 1-900-278-2537 (thats 1-900-A SUCKER) with a rotary
phone. When the call connects you must quickly transfer your call to a touch
tone phone to answer the rest of the questions. (please have your credit card
ready). If you enter in the number of the problem, the phone will
(assuming your credit card is accepted) beep the touch tone codes of the
letters for the key word back to you.

We hope that this system is helpful. We have found a dramatic decrease
in the number of problems that people report once this system is put
in place. We hope that it will do the same for you. If you have any
questions, please do not hesitate to post them to me in the other
problems area of the BBS.

Sincerely

Fredd Nott

IBM: It Barely Moves

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define great he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Another organically grown entry for rec.humus. Only natural punchlines
are used in my jokes, and no antibiotics now that the infection has gone
down.

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads,
Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The
company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own
machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated This is no joke. If we dont protect our
copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the
exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses
the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves. The spokesperson
says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and
Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apples in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure
sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. In the
old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the
competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on
reality.

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins
the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all
Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid
all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple
terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression
in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to
learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college
students and professionals.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. Why dont we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe itll work!?

REDMOND, Washington–January 4, 1995–In response to customer
inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm),
its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary
to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named
Bob immediately select new first names.
I dont know where these rumors come from, commented Steve
Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and
Support. Its ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people
outside the computer industry to change their names. We wont, and
our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so
reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them.
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the
opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a
licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names
at very low cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers
persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option
of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and
upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an
added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display
the Windows 95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day
grace period during which they can select another related name.
Were being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark,
said Bill Newkom, Microsofts Senior Vice President of Law and
Corporate Affairs. People are still free to call themselves
Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of
Microsofts trademark and obviously cant be allowed.
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive
Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first
Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo
tattooed to his forehead.

10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that All the worlds a VAX, and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

REDMOND, WASHINGTON – In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsofts upcoming new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade – formerly known as Windows 95 – to WinEver.

There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety, said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain anonymous.

Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. WinEver will free Windows users from space and time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality, said a member of Ziff-Davis Publishings Editorial Staff. This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace – they have failed to deliver a strategy for their product.

When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said Whenever. The spokesperson added It really doesnt matter since WinEver is destined to be the most powerful and popular operating system ever. Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that WinEver has already revolutionized the industry.

A spokesperson from IBM disagreed however. Microsoft is still trying to sell a product that doesnt exist. IBM has been shipping a 32-bit operating system since 1992 that runs todays DOS, Windows and OS/2 applications in a stable 32-bit environment with an advanced user interface. WinEver – or WhatEver its called now – still relies on DOS device drivers and is not a true 32-bit OS unlike OS/2. He added that users who think that WinEver will have no compatibility problems will be in for a surprise.

Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. WinEver will run everything and it wont have any bugs or compatibility problems because its from Microsoft. Why should I buy OS/2 which is less than perfect when WinEver is right around the corner?

In a related story, IBM has reportedly been working on incorporating WinEver compatibility into a future version of OS/2. Microsoft was quick to express fear, uncertainty and doubt in regards to IBMs chances of success. IBM is chasing a moving target and without the source code. Industry analysts and the media agreed adding that this is yet another example of OS/2s failing strategy.