{A recent discussion in comp.programming brought this old gem to mind. I
have done some minor editing; the original source and author are unknown
to me. – David Ruggiero}

404
someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning the requested document couldnt be located — Dont bother asking him, hes 404.
Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, hes the alpha geek around here.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Blamestorming
sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Brain Fart
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. I know youre busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust? Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chainsaw consultant
an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
CLM (Career-Limiting Move)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasnt been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
Cube farm
an office filled with cubicles.
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now Ive got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.
Ego surfing
scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to ones own name.
Elvis year
the peak year of somethings popularity — Barney the dinosaurs Elvis year was 1993.
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. Didnt he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Graybar Land
The place you go while youre staring at a computer thats processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.
Idea hamsters
people who always seem to have their idea generators running .
Its a Feature
From the adage Its not a bug, its a feature. Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.
Mouse potato
the on-line generations answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond
that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize youve just made a big mistake.
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Prairie dogging
something loud happens in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
SITCOM
stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. Crew and talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?
Stress puppy
a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny .
Tourists
those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs — We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an on-line services rule of conduct. Sorry I couldnt get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

6. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

This was just forwarded to me from a friend.

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsofts new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

GPF key – This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
$$ key – When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
ZD key – This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
MS key – This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled Computing for Mindless Drones in a 1 x 1 window.
FUD key – Self explanatory.
Chicago key – Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
IBM key – Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.



The first beggar wrote Beggar on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.



The next day, the second beggar wrote Beggar.com on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.



The following day, the third beggar wrote e-Beg on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and its a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didnt ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features Id like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A Dont remind me again button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature – An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you dont lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didnt have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks–in all versions of Girlfriend that Ive used is that it is totally object orientated and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[Note – making the rounds, no attribution could be located – ed.]

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site:
IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

(This one leaked out of Microsoft the other day. I didnt save the
original)

Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to
the other, Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike? Bill replies,
Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed
rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said You
can have anything you want!

Good idea, Bills friend replied. Her clothes probably wouldnt
have fit you anyway.