You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit
in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that
version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

Note: This entry was inspired by something I once read in NUTWORKS (The
Computer Humor Magazine.)

This is a guide to translating the language of math textbooks and professors.

1) It can be proven…

This may take upwards of a year, and no shorter than four hours, and
may require something like 5 reams of scratch paper, 100 pencils,
or 100 refills (For those who use machanical pencils). If you are
only an undergraduate, you need not bother attempting the proof as
it will be impossible for you.

2) It can be shown…

Usually this would take the teacher about one hour of blackboard
work, so he/she avoids doing it. Another possibility of course is
that the instructor doesnt understand the proof himself/herself.

3) It is obvious…

Only to PhDs who specialize in that field, or to instructors
who have taught the course 100 times.

4) It is easily derived…

Meaning that the teacher figures that even the student could derive it.
The dedicated student who wishes to do this will waste the next weekend
in the attempt. Also possible that the teacher read this somewhere,
and wants to sound like he/she really has it together.

5) It is obvious…

Only to the Author of the textbook, or Carl Gauss. More likely
only Carl Gauss. Last time I saw this was as a step in a
proof of Fermats last theorem.

6) The proof is beyond the scope of this text.

Obviously this is a plot. The reader will never find any
text with the proof in it. The Proof doesnt exist. The theorem
just turned out to be usefull to the author.

7) The proof is left up to the reader.

…sure let us do all the work. Does the author think that we have
nothing better to do than sit around with THEIR textbook, and do the
work that THEY should have done?

8) Sample Proof:
.

.

.

4.7 At this point we assume that x is an element of the set S, and
therefore…We know this according to L. Krueger[pg. 71]

Question…has anyone ever bothered to see if these type of references
exist. Come on…we all know what happens when we are writing a fresh-
man english composition and run out of sources…how better to prove
your thesis with a little blurb from some obscure, and nonexistant
source

Michael J. Bauers

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

I know Daddys password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, I know Daddys password! I know Daddys password!

What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!

Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan.

The bottle has a hole in it!

What about the PC?

Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan.

And its missing three keys,

Which three?

Control, Alt and Delete.

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didnt mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; Im sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldnt be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George–err–Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, shell keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,
Your Wife

Screen – What is a must during black fly season