IBM: I Blame Microsoft.

Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

God, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Boris Yeltson are all at dinner. In the middle of dinner God says, Tomorrow I am going to destroy the world.



Boris Yeltson goes back to Russia and tells his cabinet 2 bad things god does exist and tomorrow hes going to destroy the world.





Clinton goes back to the U.S.A. and tells everyone that there is 1 good thing and 1 bad thing the good thing is god really does exist and the bad thing is he is going to destroy the world tomorrow.





Gates goes back to Microsoft and says 2 great things Im one of the 3 most important people in the world and the Y2K (Year 2000) problem is solved.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. Then you would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.



7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car fault warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.



9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. Youd press the Start button to shut off the engine.

(as submitted to www.dilbert.com)

I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to pack, then take two 70-pound boxes along to the airport. I checked them in, then sat on the plane for an hour before takeoff. Just after we were in the air, I realized that I left my car in front of the airport doors (loading zone).
I work for a TV news network. A co-worker left keys in our van at the airport. The van and $200,000 worth of equipment mysteriously vanished.
Flew to Hartford, arrived midnight. Rental car not reserved. Took a cab to hotel, room not reserved. Went to client next day. They were expecting someone else. My Pointy-Haired Boss had sent me by mistake. Flew home.
Trip to Microsoft labs in Redmond WA. Travel booked to Redmond Oregon, middle of nowhere. No car, no hotel, no MS lab!
When arriving at our hotel in Miami, PHB informs me that he has booked only one room for both of us. He says its more cost effective that way.
The maid set off the fire sprinkler in my hotel room while I was out. Luckily I had a watertight suitcase. Too bad Id left it open – I came back to find my only suit floating in 6 feet of filthy water.
I went to L.A. from D.C. for an ultra-critical customer demo. The Pointy-Haired Marketing Idiot checked equipment as baggage because its heavy. It went to Des Moines. It showed up three days late after having been impaled on a forklift.
Believing our shipping dept – they said that my parts would be onsite in another city.
I backed-up the car on my laptop in the customers parking lot.
PHB to Coworker: Okay, hand me the presentation.
Coworker to me: Um, I dont have it. Do you have it?
Me to PHB: No. Do you have it?
PHB: Oh, no. Its on my desk. (In Omaha – were in Miami.)
Two co-workers of mine were crossing the US-Mexico border (legitimately) with their rental car. The border police chased them down. Apparently, they had rented a car that had previously been used to smuggle drugs across the border…
On a trip to Toronto from the U.S., my boss had a problem with his ticket while boarding the plane. He turned to me and said, Boy, whats a terrorist have to do to get out of the country nowadays?
Taking a customer for a meal, I found my company credit card was cancelled. The customer paid for the meal. There was no answer at the company phone the next day. Yep, the company had been seized and the slime-ball PHB didnt let on when he saw me off.
The CEO wrote checks to cover conference attendance for everyone. Then he spent the money out from under the checks and they bounced. Now the organizers are suing the individual attendees.
The travel agent (assigned by company) had me fly to Cleveland when my destination was 10 minutes outside of Toledo. I flew 90 minutes and spent four hours in the car both ways. Toledo is only 3 1/2 hours from my house.
Your flight got grounded in a blizzard in Montreal and your bags went to Bermuda.
I wound up sitting next to the PHB on a long flight. He proceeded to read (AT) me our entire report, which I had helped prepare, at the top of his lungs.
I agreed to meet a potential employer on a flight to a convention that we were both attending so he could interview me on the way. I didnt realize that my PHB decided to go at the last minute and was seated one row behind us!
I flew to Texas for a job interview. When I arrived, a hurricane was raging in the Gulf. At my motel, there was a palm tree in the pool and the concierge was relocating everyone on the first floor to the second floor due to flooding.
Biggest disaster for my boss: The client I was meeting with offered me a job with much more money. I called in my resignation after three days in the hotel at company expense.

Dilbert©1999 United Feature Syndicate, Inc.

IBM: I Bought Macintosh

10. Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?

9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.

8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.

7. When you log on, your computer says Youve got lawsuits!

6. Youre suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sothebys says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse Knock it off, Oedipus e-mail from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.

This document copyright © 1999 by Chris White.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasnt certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.