How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, its a hardware problem

[Royters: Dateline Washington]

Joe Motzeratz Reporting

Justice Department Siege Sections Helicopters & Tanks Rolling Towards Redmond

With the clock ticking ever closer to the deadline imposed by the Justice Department and the leaders of the Redmond WA based cult promising a fight to the end, Attorney General Janet Reno has informed the Justice Departments Siege Section to start the helicopters and tanks rolling towards Microsofts campus in Redmond Washington; as well as cutting off the avenues of escape for Cult Leader Gates to his fortified redoubt on the lake, known as C:/..

Attorney General Reno stated that with such a formidable foe as Microsoft, and their response to her edict, that it would have to be a Take No Prisoners operation as the threat to the community at large is even more egregious than the mentally troubled widow in Illinois, and a much greater threat than the situation that first propelled her to prominence.

Apparently, Attorney General Reno is quite concerned what the Redmond Cult might do to the global computer networks, especially the legions of Windows boxes installed in U.S. government installations, offices, etc. if the siege and fight becomes a protracted one. However, Los Alamos and Lawrence Livermore are safe, she was heard to state.

Therefore, one of the first steps after the deadline passes it to totally cut off all utiilities (especially electricity and communications lines) from all Microsoft locations and place any and all of those entering or leaving Microsoft facilities into protective custody where they will then undergo deprocessing.

Given the nature of the terrible threat that a rogue business and cult might visit upon unsuspecting millions of computer users and commerce, Attorney General Reno is also considering asking the President to declare the U.S. under Martial Law which will enable her to bring to bear the full might of the U.S. Government upon Microsoft and its leader Mr. Gates. Were not messing around Bill, Attorney General Reno was heard to say. President Clinton was revived after he was told she was referring to Mr. Gates and not him.

A Special Advisory is being sent out to all U.S. Government Employees and officials to avoid all travel in or around Redmond Washington until this crisis is over.

President Clinton stated that while he was troubled by these developments, he has full faith in the Attorney Generals actions against Microsoft as long as it diverts her attentions from the Other Javas, Operating Systems and Browser investigations.

Neither Mr. Gates nor Microsoft officials were available for comment. They were last seen at the PowerComputing Fire Sale where they were not only picking up fatigues and other military paraphernalia, but were also inquiring about surplus equipment that the Texas militia might or might not have.

[Royters]

Warren Commission virus: Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years.

HORIZONS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE EDUCATIONAL TECHNOLOGY
By Ross Williams 3 June 1988.

Recent studies have shown that while undergraduate students are more intelligent
than kindergarten students, the mentality and attention span of the two groups
are similar. With this in mind, we introduce a new concept in Computer Science
education:

COMPUTER SCIENCE SESAME STREET

Narrator:
One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs has a bug.
One of these programs is not like the others,
And if you cant tell which one, youre a mug.

One of these programs is not like the others,
One of these programs will really teach yer,
One of these programs is not like the others,
Yes, thats not a bug, thats a feature.

———-

Voiceover:
c
C
C?
C!
printf!
while ((c=getchar() != EOF) {}
C!

———-

Song:

Dum diddle diddle diddle dum de dum dum,
Dum diddle diddle diddle,

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A, B, C, D, E, F

———-

Narrator: Hello Oscar, how are you today?

Oscar the Grouch: Go away: Ive just found a new garbage collection algorithm.

Narrator: Tell me about it Oscar….

———-

Kermit: This is Kermit the Frog reporting for Sesame Street news. Today, we
interview Professor Biskit who works on cookie biosearch. Hello Professor
Biskit, what have you got there?

Prof: Arcchhh, I am trying to find out iv there is zarch a sing as an infinitely
long coorkie. Dis machine vill produce every sort of coorkie possible: big
cookies, dittle cookies, square cookies, round cookies. The cookies come out dis
hole here.

Kermit: You mean if you get a really long cookie, it will come out of the hole
like a sausage?

Prof: Yaaaass, thats right. Now I vill set de machine going, and ve can start
vatching de corkies.

GRRRRUNNNCCHHHH CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA…

Prof: Aass here comes one,… CLUNK

Cookie Monster: Cooooookie! Chomp.

Prof: Und another. Dis one eees square: CLUNK.

Kermit: Uh professor…

Prof: Dont bother me now, Im vatchin coorkies.

Kermit: What if there isnt an infinitely long cookie?

Prof: Then they vill come out of dis machine forever – there are an infinite
number of possible corkies you know.

Kermit: And what if the machine starts making an infinitely long cookie?

Prof: Thats obvious you frogk, I vill have to vait for it to come out.

Kermit: And how long will that take?

Prof: Forever.

Kermit: So if there isnt an infinitely long cookie, you have to wait forever
and if there is, you have to wait forever too. How are you going to find out if
there is an infinitely long cookie today?

Prof: Dont interrupt. Here comes a triangular one viff purple spots.

Cookie monster: CRUNCH. GULP.

Prof: My machine!

Kermit: Well, it looks as if the cookie monster has transcended the question of
whether there is an infinitely long cookie by eating the cookie machine. A good
thing as the computation was UNCOMPUTABLE.

———-

Narrator: Hello Big Bird. Whats all this mess?

Big Bird: Im planting a binary tree. That way, I can nest in it and I wont
have to fly South for the winter.

Narrator: How long will it take for the tree to grow tall enough?

Big Bird: If I add branches randomly it will take me log_2(t)/1.386.

Narrator: Tell me why, Big Bird?

…

———-

This program has been brought to you by the language C and the number F.

This has been a production of the Computer Science Television Workshop.

COMPUTER SCIENCE YOUNG ONES

Neil: Ow, WOW heavy! My lentil binary trees are growing exponentially.

Vivian: This calls for a subtle combination of mathematics and extreme violence.

Rick: Oh you couldnt theorize even if you picked your nose with a silicon chip.

Vivian: OK, watch! This is how you dismantle a binary tree in constant time…

CRUNCH, CHOP, CRASH…

Neil: WOW. Heavy. Look at the mess. Look at all the garbage!

Garbage: Now theyll try to clean me up in constant time, but theyve forgotten
about all those cycles caused by curly lentils…

Vivian: Oh no we didnt because I cut all the cycles before I chopped down the
tree…

Rick: You cant do that in linear time! What sort of a snotty nosed gullible
girlie do you think I am?

Vivian: Well I had him fooled!

Neil: No you didnt! I was just waiting for the tree to spontaneously
re-assemble.

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today+30_days, were just testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);

register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in,today+ONE_MONTH);
}

release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, Keep an eye on this
bastard);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);

marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

Software – Plastic picnic utensils

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the worlds largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, Americas largest manufacturer of heavyweight motorcycles, have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the worlds largest but strangest multinational corporations.

When you think about it, it only makes sense, said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this natural marriage as synergy.

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle Online that buying a few counties is not out of the question.

Micro-Davidson will trade simultaneously on both the NYSE and Nasdaq stock exchanges under the symbol WERULE. Financial details of the merger have not been made public but it is expected to be a stock for stock exchange.

Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 — an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsofts example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market.

M-Ds software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate, said Piehl.

Texas virus: Makes sure that its bigger than any other file.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!