If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isnt IBM running this Christmas..?

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Terminal – Time to call da undertaker.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers.

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, Me Too.

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the Me Toos and happily add, Me Three!

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Laptop – Where the grandkids sit

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadnt a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The clients last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
Its just what I asked for,
But its not what I want!

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

Abbott: Yes, thats correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. which is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to get information about yoo.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use what.

Costello: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?

Abbott: No. true gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: true gives you 0. which programname

Costello: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program to get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. which command will find command.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. write that. what program.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: du will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: help is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I dont make me angry but I did make programname when I was upset once.

Costello: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has more.

Costello: Nice help! Im confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is better not to nice help. and more now is not allowed but at now is. Unless of course now is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

IBM compatible – IBM contemptible