From rec.arts.sf.written, in a thread entitled What is AOL?

> An organization set up to give Internetters someone to make ethnic jokes
> about.
>
>–
> Arthur D. Hlavaty hlavaty@panix.com

Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?
Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American
economy, its crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesnt
happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will
rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the
market will crash, and well be plunged into another world war.
Besides, Bill Gates says you should.
What about long filenames?
Ha ha. Cant believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long
filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character
string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the
operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the
filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.
Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?
Yes. Its called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can work on
other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.
What does 32-bit mean?
Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in Shave and a haircut, two
bits). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Microsoft to make
something for which theyll charge you $89.
Can Windows 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Microsoft
claims?
Its true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs
under this configuration. In fact, its best if you dont turn the
machine on at all.
Why did the Justice Department allow Windows 95 to ship with access
to Microsoft Network?
The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares
of Microsoft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in
Microsofts eternal success.
Why would I want to sign up for Microsoft Network?
You wont have a choice. Windows 95 manipulates your monitors
refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that
you sign up for MSN. In this hypnotic state, youll do anything they say.
Anything they say. Anything they say…
How do I get support?
In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Microsoft has
contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If
you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911.
But doesnt Windows 95 come with some cool features, like a trash
can on the desktop?
Wow. How… innovative of them.
Didnt Windows 95 have another name?
Yes. Macintosh 89.

PCMCIA – People Cant Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN – It Still Does Nothing

APPLE – Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI – System Cant See It

DOS – Defunct Operating System

BASIC – Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM – I Blame Microsoft

DEC – Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW – World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH – Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

LOTUS – Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system makers technical support line for assistance:

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: Theres smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.

Tech: Sounds like you need a new power supply.

Cust: No, I dont! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.

Cust: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technicians efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…

Tech: Im sorry. We dont normally tell our customers this, but theres an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

Cust: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…

Cust: It didnt work. The power supply is still smoking!

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Cust: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: Well, thats your problem. That version of DOS doesnt include NOSMOKE. Youll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…

Cust: I need a new power supply.

Tech: Really? How did you come to that conclusion?

Cust: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you had said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.

Tech: What did he tell you?

Cust: He said my power supply isnt compatible with NOSMOKE.

Thanx to Gerry Gieger via http://www.allworld.net/allworld/jokes/

Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL
programming very attractive:

An ad in Tuesdays Australian, back page, right-hand column:
(copied without permission)

BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS…….To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month

With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained.

Brad Broom
brad@uqcspe.oz

PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook theyd like to part with?

Microsoft announces beta relase of Windows TP

REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.

Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the users brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or thought icon) is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the users short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the users long-term memory using Windows new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer the data.

Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months.

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day.

CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm says, Billy Gs the Man for Me.)

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

[Picard] Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
[Geordi] Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] What the hell is Microsoft?

[Data turns to answer.] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

[Picard] But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

[Data] Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

[Picard] Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] Captain, We have successfully installed the Windows in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

[Geordi] Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

[Picard] Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

[Data] Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

[Geordi, excited] Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

[Picard] Data, what do your scanners show?

[Data] Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

[Picard] Lets wait and see how long this solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] Geordi, whats the status on the Borg?

[Geordi] As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more windows modules from something called the Microsoft fun-pack.

[Picard] How much time will that buy us ?

[Data] Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

[Geordi] Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

[Picard] Identify.

[Data] It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo

[Over the speakers] THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS

[Data] The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

[Picard] Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft

[Riker] Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!

[Data] I dont believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits

[Riker and Picard together horrified] Lawyers !!

[Geordi] It cant be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

[Data] True, but apparently some must have survived.

[Riker] They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

[Data] I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

[Riker] Theyre tearing the Borg to pieces !

[Picard] Turn off the monitors. I cant stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.

Modem, She Wrote
Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem wont ever connect at 56k.
Micro-CHiPs
Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
Carlys Angels
Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HPs sagging stock price.
Hawaii 6.0
An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
T. J. Hacker
A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
The Excel Files
Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
The AOL-Team
Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
Magnum, PC
This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak n Spell?
The Incredible Bulk
The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
Buffy the Virus Slayer
Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files – no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

via C|Nets Digital Dispatch email newsletter

This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham.

In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4.0, he went ahead and wrote it in the typical objective style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they can come out with their own bubbly review of the promised product.

As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total non-objectivity?)

Quoting Keith Wortham:

The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited news that there will be an article on Windows 4.0 appearing in the next issue. To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy the magazine, we thought we would try to anticipate the expected high points of the coming article. If you have any inside information or would like to add your predictions, please feel free to do so.

!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING WINDOWS 4.0 !!!!!!!!!!

We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on Microsofts groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible Windows 4.0. Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we preface this article by a restatement of our policy concerning review of non-shipping products. While our policy has always been that we would review no product that is not actually shipping at the time of publication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY. Our policy for this issue is that we will review any product that someone tells us might possibly be developed at any time in the future. After this issue, our policy will revert to what it was prior to this issue until such time that Microsoft begins to again consider their next edition of software and begins another high-visibility promotion geared to discourage users from looking at the competition.

We put the wonderful Windows 4.0 operating system through our grueling Winbench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to PC Labs by Microsoft Corporation. Our test bed was the standard platform used by most PC users – a Cray Supercomputer with 3 Gigabytes of RAM and a $9000 Windows graphics accelerator card with 512 Megabytes of SRAM. Our testing was made more difficult by the fact that no actual code was available at the time of the procedure. We did have available, however, a screen shot of the stupendous Windows 4.0 which we put through its paces. Our staff was speechless over how pretty the screen shot was. We also had the benefit of the assistance of 12 Microsoft employees who provided invaluable imput, and also took us to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of MicroSoft Office.

The tremendous Windows 4.0 was a dream to install. We didnt even have to open the box! All of our applications were immediately migrated into the new OS, except the OS/2 applications. They mysteriously disappeared. We were told that this is a bug in the way that OS/2 apps are written and that this was IBMs problem. The screen shot scored a respectable .000001 Winmarks on our testing platform. Microsoft officials assure us that performance of the actual code promises to be even better. The only compatibility problem arose when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to load the screen shot. Microsoft officials advise us that this was also IBMs problem.

Microsoft officials told us that 4 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be needed in the release version. However, they also said that they would recommend 32 Megabytes for typical usage. Microsoft officials said, and we agree, that all serious PC users will have 32 Megabytes of RAM on their systems by the time Win 4.0 is released. Windows 4.0 is too sophisticated an OS for those that refuse to keep up.

We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence of 32-bit code contained in Windows 4.0. However, the Microsoft officials soon set us straight. Due to Microsoft still having the patent pending for the new technology, MS officials couldnt tell us how it worked, but told us of a new Microsoft compression technology. It turns out that all of the apparent 16-bit code present in Win 4.0 is actually 32-bit bit code that has been compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only 16 bits. Microsoft officials say that this is the wave of the future in 32-bit computing.

In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win 4.0, Microsoft will be releasing three new products. These products are Visual COBOL, Visual Assembler and Visual Machine Language. The Microsoft representatives gave us a sneak peak of the Visual Machine Language product. Visual Machine Language will contain the famous Microsoft App Wizard. At first the App Wizard looked like it was only generating huge random streams of ones and zeros. However, one representative assured us that this was not the case and that MS had used it to write most of the Windows NT code.

In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of hyperbole that the most excellent Windows 4.0 is the greatest technological breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel (neither of which, unfortunately, is patented by Microsoft… yet). The God-like Windows 4.0 ranks right up there with the other accomplishments of Microsoft, such as the graphical user interface, the mouse, memory management and on-the-fly disk compression.

It is at this point that we should state PC Magazines new policy with regard to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any software patent not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the industry.

There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take advantage of the astounding Windows 4.0. All major software developers are expected to begin work on products immediately after reading this article. Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings for Win 4.0 should be shipping by the time you read this. If you cannot wait for your copy of the sexy Windows 4.0, we suggest you immediately go out and buy a copy of the highly innovative MS-DOS 6.2. Follow that up with several copies of the award winning Windows for Workgroups 3.11. If you are still impatient, buy the long awaited Windows NT, which is available in bulk quantity from your local retailer at huge discounts. By that time, if the most esteemed Windows 4.0 is still not shipping, buy a few more copies of Windows NT.

While we usually dont give awards to products that are not even in Alpha release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our prestigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editors Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows 4.0. And even though it is only April, we have also given it our ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for the years 1994 through 1999. We expect an even better version of Windows in the year 2000. So, what are you waiting for?

* Note: All words (except fire and wheel) and all alphanumeric characters in this article are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, IS THERE A GOD?

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

There is now, read the printout.