AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later… and later… and later… and oh forget it.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just lock-up for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but theyd be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldnt come with profile feature… oh no!

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, Good-Bye.

Microsoft just invested $150 million in Apple stock. Why? We think the reasons are obvious:

Bill Gates found spare change in his trousers
First and last months rent on empty office space in Cupertino
Fee: Steve Jobs to give charisma lessons to Microsoft CEO
Two words: Rhapsody 98
Small price to pay for world domination
Bill to Larry: I own you now, too
Jobs and Woz threw in a signed Apple I as part of the deal
Best way to assure Gates a starring role in next Pixar animated feature
Easier than bribing entire Justice Department
Strategic move: Apple users now hate Jobs more than Gates

Redmond, Wash.

April 1, 1998

Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win 00, pronounced Windows double zero.

At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and Aerosmith sang their hit Dream On in the background.

We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating system features the virtual desktop. No longer can the luddites claim that we have taken the look and feel of a competitors system. This concept will mark the beginning of a new paradyme for desktop computing. Yesterday we said Where do you want to go today?, and tomorrow we will say what do you want now? Microsoft has shown again that we are the only choice.

Following the rousing cheers and a standing ovation from the assembled press, Vice President Steve Ballmar continued on the theme established during the keynote speech.

As you all know, Microsoft is and will continue to be the dominant force in desktop software. To maintain our advantage, we have developed the ultimate in ease of use for our customers. Our aim was to develop something that would be everything to everyone. We have been able to achieve this and more. As fate would have it, this project, along with another initially unrelated one, came together with the spectacular results you will see. That second project, designed to target the widely held, but untrue belief that our software is bloated and buggy, had the aim of decreasing the footprint of our operating system. As both projects developed, they converged, and we found that we could achieve both goals by extending the virtual desktop concept to the ultimate level. We have virtualized the entire operating system!

This concept has many advantages. Any user can make his system anything he wants, limited only by his lack of vision. Everyone can have things exactly as they want, and if there are any glitches in the implementation, it will only be due to user error. Let me show you how powerful and easy this new concept is with an illustration. Imagine that you have to give a presentation for an important client, and that you will want to use a word processor for the text, a spreadsheet for some tabular data, and of course, some presentation graphics. Now further imagine that you have all of the Microsoft tools that will allow you to do this perfectly, conveniently located on your virtual desktop. Now imagine that you are done. Wasnt that easy!

With things this easy to use, and all responsibility for error shifted to the user, we feel that tech support is no longer needed, although such a drastic move might cause undue concern for our customers. Therefore, we have implemented a new, highly trained transitional staff to help with any issues our customers might have.

This has allowed us to put our current tech support staff to work on other critical items, including the next paradyme shift in network computing, and mowing Bills lawn. By its nature, the virtual Operating System, and the associated virtual desktop, is highly correlated to the thoughts and needs of the individual user. This ties in perfectly with Microsofts recent purchase of the Psychic Friends Network. There will be an 800 number, and each caller will get the first 10 minutes free, then the chance to talk to his or her own psychic, to help with rebuilding the virtual desktop.

Press reaction was positive, with comments such as:

• Steven Manes, columnist for PC World

  I have finally found something I can understand. It is so simple, a child could do it. There is nothing to it.

• Sandy Reed, Editor of Infoworld gushed

  The greatest thing since sliced bread. I can see now that this will be voted the best operating system in next years readers choice survey.

• Jerry Pournelle, Senior Contributing Editor of Byte Magazine

  Frankly, I dont see it, but … Bobs your Uncle.

• John Dvorak, computer columnist and radio personality

  This is revolutionary. I am surprised that no one thought of it before.

After the press conference ended, a Microsoft spokesman filled in a few more details. We are calling it Win 00, not Windows 2000, simply because we cannot garantee that it will be Year 2000 compliant, and since the Department of Justice is being so picky about anything we say, we thought a little truth in advertising would be prudent at this time. The product is scheduled for release the first quarter of 2000, and slated to ship by the third quarter of 2002. It will be available to all OEMs and VARs under the same limitations and restrictions that apply under their current licensing agreements. Windows and now the number 00 are trademarks of the Microsoft Corporation. all rights reserved.

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

A man was flying his private airplane into New York City. However, the day was foggy and the air was smoggy, and he couldnt make out any landmarks. He became worried, as hed need to find a specific airfield in order to land his plane. As a New Yorker, he knew where it was in relation to other buildings, but as he couldnt see any other buildings through the fog, that was a moot point.Suddenly, a patch of fog cleared for a minute, and the man saw another man standing on what was obviously the roof of a very tall building. Hello, said the man in the airplane, can you tell me about where I am?The man on the building looked at him and said, Youre in an airplane.Thank you! called the man as he sped off in the right direction. He now knew exactly where he was. Directly over the Microsoft building.

Microchip – Whats left in the bag when the normal chips are gone

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product
for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for
money, recalls Gates. I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden
opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial
monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I
had my limo driver run over him several times.
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates
vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and
needy situation works, says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu.
Except for the fact that theyre stinking rich.
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At
random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could
spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
(This is a little lie, admits software engineer Adam Miller, since our
diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesnt embellish
a little?) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of
change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the users bank
account to Microsofts. The user can also respond No, in which case the
program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The No button has
not yet been implemented.
Were experiencing a little trouble programming the No button, Bernard
Liu says, but we should definitely have it up and running within the
next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out.
Maybe.
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either
takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which
will clean up your Windows for a dollar. (When Microsoft Squegee Guy
ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my
drift, says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison.
I mean, in the future, we wont need laptop computers asking you for
change. Youll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.
Gates responded with, I know what you are, but what am I? General
pandemonium then ensued.

IBM: Its Better than Macintosh!

****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.



7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.



9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.