Q. Whats worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way

why did jesus stop playing HoCkEy???…………………………………….cuz he kept getting nalied to the BoArDsssss!!

(and for all you religous people i didnt mean to affend you)

A guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, Ill bet you $5.00 that you cant stand on your own neck.

The guy replies, Well, if youre out of grilled cheese, then I dont do pianos!

Youre so poor you cant afford a boner.

Q: What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?

A: Hey, get out of my son!

why did the silly boy stand on his head?

because his feet where tired.

Three guys are riding horses.

1 Minnesota man, 1 Iowa man, and 1 Texas man.

Along the way the guy from texas takes out a bottle of wine, takes 1 sip throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.

The Iowa horseman asked, Whatchya doin that fer, thaz good stuff!?!

The Texan replies, Well we got plenty of that where I come from.

Later on the Iowa horseman takes out a bottle of whiskey, takes 1 sip, throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.

And the Minnesotan asked, Why the helld you do that?!?! Thats reeeeaaaalll good stuff!

And the Iowa guy replies, Oh we got plenty of that where I come from.

So the Minnesotan takes out a can of beer, slams it, shoots the guy from Iowa, and the Texan asked, Why in the name of the holy father did you do that!?!?!

The minnesotan replied, We got plenty of them where i come from!

(This wont be as funny if youre not from the great state of Minnesota.

A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys?

Her mother replied, No, you cant play with the boys, theyre too rough.
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?

these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said because my friend out there is picking a watermelon!