What are the two main ingredients in Viagra?

Fix-A-Flat and Miracle Grow.

What did the Pacific ocean so to the Atlantic ocean?

They didnt say anything… they just waved.

jokes

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, Whos that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?

Thats your father, she says.

The kid looks at her funny and asks her, Then whos that old bald headed fat man who lives with us now?

YO MAMA IS SO STUPID THAT
SHE ROLLED DOWN A BARBIES
CANYON!

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, dont panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are…You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesnt move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldnt, use the duct tape.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are I apologize and You are right.

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.

12 If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

13. And Finally….. Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women and the man said ill drink the wiskey first and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said on the outside of town. so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said wow, that was tough!now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!

What is the difference between a porkipine and a brand new BMW?

Porcupines have the pricks on the outside!!!

Why Did Snoop Dogg Carry an Umbrella????

Fo Drizzal

There was once a man who could not get his penis up.
His wife was sad. They had no fun,
So one day the man went to the doctors
to get a perscription for his problem.
We dont like to just give drugs out the doctor said.
I want you to try something and if it doesnt work come back.
What? the man asked.
When your wife is asleep,
Stick your finger in her pussy
and sniff your fingers.
Do you think it will really work?
The doctor was sure.
So, the next night when his wife lay next to him in bed,
he did what the doctor said.
He sniffed those fingers and found them to be good.
He realized it worked, he realized he could.
Honey, Honey!! he called. Wake up!
With a grunt she turned on the light,
looked her husband in the face, and said

You woke me to tell me you have a nose bleed!!

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad