Did you hear about the girl who didnt wear underwear in the winter?

She got chapped lips!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

This guy is having sex with a hooker and he says, Youre so dry.

The hooker replies, Give me two minutes.

Two minutes later she comes back and they continue. The man says, Thats much better. What did you do?

The hooker replies, I picked off the scabs.

Q. Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?

A. To pot the brown.

Q. How do you get rid of a boomerang?

A: Throw it down a one way street.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.

The doctor says, Why don’t you have him committed?

The guy says, We would, but we need the eggs.

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels in his pants and the bartender says u know u have a steering in ur pants and the pirate says arg its drivin my nuts crazy

This right here is one of the best jokes ever. No matter what all my friends say.

Q: What did the Cow who crossed the road say to the other cow who didnt?

A: Chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

– To get to KFC !