Mrs. Goldberg went to the doctor because she hadnt been regular in quite some time. The doctor examined her, found nothing unusual and attributed her problem to her diet and her age. He recommended that she take a laxative.

Doctor, Mrs. Goldberg admonished him, remember – Im kosher. Whatever you prescribe for me MUST be kosher!

Mrs. Goldberg, he replied, I want you to take Serutan and dont worry, its kosher.

Youre sure, doctor? Youre absolutely positive its kosher? Because if its not kosher, I cant take it and Id be very upset to find out it wasnt kosher!

Mrs. Goldberg, the doctor assured her, of course its kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?

Reassured, Mrs. Goldberg left the office. Two weeks later, Mrs. Goldberg came storming into the doctors office. Doctor! she screamed, Im so angry at you! Im going to sue!

Whats wrong Mrs. Goldberg? Whats the matter? the doctor asked, very concerned.

That medicine you told me to take – its NOT kosher! replied Mrs. Goldberg. Of course its kosher Mrs. Goldberg, replied the doctor. Its called Serutan, and serutan spelled backwards is natures. What could be more kosher than nature? repeated the doctor.

Well doctor, Mrs. Goldberg answered indignantly, Serutan spelled backwards may be natures, but taking Serutan gave me such gas! And FART spelled backwards, is TRAF!

For the Yiddish-impaired, traf (pronounced trafe) means UN-KOSHER!

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, Danger! Beware of Dog posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

Yep, thats him, he replied.

The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?

Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!

—

who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?

The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow Id be a little bull.

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!

The kid smiles and says, I would be a bus driver!

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldnt quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day,
like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you cant possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow —
quietly but miraculously — they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while youre asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done

Chilhood: When you make faces at mirror. Middle age is when mirror gets even.

Bald man: A person who has lot of face to wash and very little hair to comb.

Marriage: An institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a women gets her master’s.

Doctor: Who cures your ills by pills and kills you by his bills.

Alimony: A mode of payment that enables a women who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried.

Indian Film Heroines: If they display their assets, the producer recovers his liabilities.

For a good time, hire a hooker,

For a lot of time, hire my attorney.

–Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti

A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldnt have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side (not a typical pastor), so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough, about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastors study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. What was that all about? He asked. She replied, Im just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40.

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, A girls best friends are her own two legs.

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Marys skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, I repeat, a girls best friends are her own two legs.

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didnt get home until very late. That night she wrote, Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldnt move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldnt, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.

She tried to climb the steps again…still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.

What do you think youre doing?, she asked the guy behind her.

Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!