A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that.

In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.

Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing.

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

This recessions really putting a big dent in my income, he told them. From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

Look, he said, I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?

Only a quarter? the drum leader exclaimed. If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts!

No way, dude. We quit!

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.

The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.

The hippie of course says that hed love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver(male), you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When shes in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, Im the hippie!!

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, Ha ha, Im the bus driver!!!

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.

(One of my uncles told me this one recently.)
[Ed: Submitter sent this in rot13, but it doesnt meet my criteria]

A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician.

Doctor, Ive got this problem, the man says. My secretary, she
loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a
blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch.
And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works
me over.

So what seems to be the problem? the doctor asked.

Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac, the man continued.
I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for
a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a
marathon session each night before we go to sleep.

I still dont know what your problem is, said the doctor.

You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor, I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Yes, I think so.

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.

…….Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

…….Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark.

Dark?

Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs dont have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when youre gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when theyre jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. Dogs understand the word no.

10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. Not bad said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

Wow, thats colder than mine!said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.